Take Your Medicine

http://www.myspace.com/cloudcult

Listen and love it.

We were strangers who knew each other very well

I think today was the day I finally stopped dragging others along my trail of tears. I'm scared to know that the step I took has led me into the unknown, but excited because it makes me have faith in a God I trust.

It has been almost two years to the day that I crossed my stars with someone else's that turned out to be a collision course. Post-explosion, I took the premature leap to do the same thing again, which I can see now was beneficial, though controversial. Today I broke it off, and I hope that I won't be dragging anyone else through the mud that is my life.

I need God to heal my broken and messy heart. So that I don't hurt Him anymore with my actions and thoughts. I don't know where I'm going or where I'll end up, but it never fails that I keep finding out things that I don't want. Is life the same series of trail and error for everyone? Or is it just me?

Now I'm free to grow in what God wants to show me. I've done my best to throw off the things that are hindering me from that. I hate being alone but love it at the same time. I like that I am responsible for only myself. That I don't have to trust and be hurt. Part of my healing will be learning to trust again, because a lot of what I've seen is broken people in a broken world that I can't trust.

It's time to live, and breathe, and make new memories in new places. I know that my Savior lives and is working wonders in my life through all of this. It's just the beginning, setting the stage for the rest of my days. I just turned 21 yesterday. There's too much time left to have my book be closed. I'm sorry for hurting all the people I have in the previous chapters. I'd take it all back, or at least take away your pain.

And lastly, thank you for the friends that love me enough to be brutally honest with me, and supporting me in doing what is right even when it's hard. It is one of the biggest blessings in my life, to have the few that truly care about me be there when I need them. I love you all.

"Hold hands." "Looks like we just started a sexual relationship."

I love weeks when God totally blows your mind. The weeks when you feel Him moving things deep inside of you that you thought you had all figured out.

This weekend I spent some serious quality time with a few members of my small group, allowing myself to become more comfortable in sharing my journey with them. It continually astounds me how much of a blessing it is to be in community with people who are striving for deeper meaning and closeness to God in life. Every night for the past five days has ended with me going to bed several hours later than normal because I’ve been caught up in conversation with these friends. Besides being bone tired and exhausted because I’m apparently an old lady now, it’s been amazing.

It is also sex and dating month for the high school youth group I work with every week, and that has also challenged me in ways that I see are foundational to my everyday life and relationship with God. I think my favorite analogy was seeing sex as a 6 ton truck, and a relationship before marriage as a bridge that can only hold 3 tons. If you try to drive the truck over the bridge, it will crumble into pieces. There are so many pieces of advice and wisdom that I’m picking up that I am trying to incorporate into my life, It can be hard when you are in relationship with someone who may be on a different page with it. But I am trusting God to lead me in how to follow Him to the best of my ability.

If I could change one thing about my college experience, it would be to never have gotten out of accountability. To never have put myself in a place where I was not being fed into my good influences and a church family. The things we talk about in youth group are things that seem so obvious and foundational, but yet I walked away from them. All I gained from that was a distorted view of life and a broken heart, and I see how many places I still need to reorient my actions and views back to focusing on Christ. It’s so much harder to refocus that to not lose the focus in the first place

I'm a tree, you're a tree.

This school year has brought an interesting new dimension into my life; which takes the form of the Independent Film. I have seen three documentaries this past few months, and all seem to coincide with what I am currently sifting through in my everyday life.

First it was the Shane Claiborne documentary called Ordinary Radicals. That part of my life was characterized by an intense surge of searching for meaning in what I do as a Christian. I found the film spoke a lot on simple living and on fellowship with other Christians. This also coincided with the Naz youth group focusing on how we are supposed to hold up in a materialistic society. My roommate and I gave up buying new clothes, and donated something every time we purchased something from a thrift store.

http://www.theordinaryradicals.com/blog/

The second movie was called No Impact Man, which focused on one family living a gradually sustainable lifestyle in one year. Though extreme, it had a large amount of great points about our current consumption as a nation. We took the youth kids to this movie, and it helped reinforce our goal of moving towards green and sustainable living. My Ecology and Conservation class lined up with this almost exactly, and learning the science behind the effects we’re having on nature made me realize that Stewardship is extremely important.

http://www.noimpactdoc.com/index_m.php

The third was one I saw tonight, called America the Beautiful. It is an amazing film about the effect of the media on American body image. From high fashion to cosmetic surgery, makeup to anorexia, this movie voiced what I think is the opinion of the majority of the US. We are bombarded with images of what we should look like, and so many problems stem from being disgusted with our bodies. Now for me, it struck me especially concerning the fashion industry. I couldn’t decide whether to cry because the obstacles are so big in the world I’m going to be thrown into, or to just walk away because it’s too much to deal with. I’ve decided the best I can do is make positive change in whatever way I can.

http://americathebeautifuldoc.com/

All three are worth watching. It just occurred to me how many movies that have struck up deep issues and conversations I have seen recently.

"a womans heart should be so lost in God, it takes a man of God to find her"

So last year about this time I was trying to plan my summer out. I had so many open doors, so many opportunities, and I knew for certain that something life changing was going to happen. And so it did, though not at all how I expected.

Right now I'm planning this next summer, but praying for God to guide every step, and that He will give me what my heart really needs. Today my world got turned upside down with plans for the future, and I somehow jumped between thoughts of being a summer RA, camp counselor, retail working beach bum, an international student, and a missionary, all within the past two days.

The future is now just so scary! I'm trying to figure out how I can swing graduating early and am now planning to go to London for 10 weeks this summer to take fashion courses, and to do an internship there. I also have a fashion show next month, an internship with a highly acclaimed designer for next school year, and a senior show to work towards. It paid to be on top of things, and my control freak nature served me well for once.

But in the midst of everything, I long for God to draw near to me as I seek out where He wants me. I desire the contentment that only He can bring, as people falter on either side of me. I want to rely on Him for inner strength and happiness in a world that is full of lies and false dreams. I want to be complete in Him, so that I have the strength and courage to build others up without needing anything in return.

Each day should be lived like the blessing it is. Waking up to the waves crashing, in a body that is fully functional, surrounded by people who love and need to be loved. There are so many ways to live out a day. I hope there aren't too many that pass me by when I don't realize that.

So with hands clasped in prayer, I'll greet tomorrow with a refreshed spirit that my God will help me thrive through everything that is required of me over the next year. Because He is the one with the blueprints I have yet to see.

Memento Mori

That night I felt like I'd become something treasured, different

Can I tell you a story as we dance while the sun starts to bleed
Song of songs love is calling daughter wake up from your sleep

Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth

Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze I'm slowly burning

Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
Ill be treasured over all the earth

I am in awe and in shock
I'm in love and given away
I'm reserved with these words:

Can I tell you a story as we dance while the sun starts to bleed
Trees rejoice with the wind here
Hallelujah, Yeshuah

Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious
I am treasured over all the earth
Just look at what he's done
How he's laying down his life
Take this life
Oh most dazzling precious treasure
Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious treasure
I am treasured over all the earth.

You may be a big fish in a small pond, but that doesn't mean you've won.

Today is such a happy day :) I'm so excited for Megan and Zach.

I'm discovering that art classes are a great way to vent creative frustration, and that happiness stems from it. Sketching and learning are inspiring, and I'm excited to see what will come of it. New designs are already flowing onto the page, but will come to life as my own form of three dimensional art. I've decided that's what it is for me, because I'm stuck somewhere between the fashion world and the art world. I don't fully fit into either one, but it may be okay. Maybe the world doesn't need another artist or fashion designer. Maybe it needs a new hybrid of both. And if not, oh well. I love what I do :)

Becoming more regular in reading my Bible has eased the frustration as well, which is to say a frustration at wanting my life to be meaningful and fulfilling. Hopefully these days where I just want to sleep pass soon, I want to have energy for all the amazing things life holds.