"a womans heart should be so lost in God, it takes a man of God to find her"

So last year about this time I was trying to plan my summer out. I had so many open doors, so many opportunities, and I knew for certain that something life changing was going to happen. And so it did, though not at all how I expected.

Right now I'm planning this next summer, but praying for God to guide every step, and that He will give me what my heart really needs. Today my world got turned upside down with plans for the future, and I somehow jumped between thoughts of being a summer RA, camp counselor, retail working beach bum, an international student, and a missionary, all within the past two days.

The future is now just so scary! I'm trying to figure out how I can swing graduating early and am now planning to go to London for 10 weeks this summer to take fashion courses, and to do an internship there. I also have a fashion show next month, an internship with a highly acclaimed designer for next school year, and a senior show to work towards. It paid to be on top of things, and my control freak nature served me well for once.

But in the midst of everything, I long for God to draw near to me as I seek out where He wants me. I desire the contentment that only He can bring, as people falter on either side of me. I want to rely on Him for inner strength and happiness in a world that is full of lies and false dreams. I want to be complete in Him, so that I have the strength and courage to build others up without needing anything in return.

Each day should be lived like the blessing it is. Waking up to the waves crashing, in a body that is fully functional, surrounded by people who love and need to be loved. There are so many ways to live out a day. I hope there aren't too many that pass me by when I don't realize that.

So with hands clasped in prayer, I'll greet tomorrow with a refreshed spirit that my God will help me thrive through everything that is required of me over the next year. Because He is the one with the blueprints I have yet to see.

Memento Mori

That night I felt like I'd become something treasured, different

Can I tell you a story as we dance while the sun starts to bleed
Song of songs love is calling daughter wake up from your sleep

Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth

Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze I'm slowly burning

Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
Ill be treasured over all the earth

I am in awe and in shock
I'm in love and given away
I'm reserved with these words:

Can I tell you a story as we dance while the sun starts to bleed
Trees rejoice with the wind here
Hallelujah, Yeshuah

Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious
I am treasured over all the earth
Just look at what he's done
How he's laying down his life
Take this life
Oh most dazzling precious treasure
Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious treasure
I am treasured over all the earth.

You may be a big fish in a small pond, but that doesn't mean you've won.

Today is such a happy day :) I'm so excited for Megan and Zach.

I'm discovering that art classes are a great way to vent creative frustration, and that happiness stems from it. Sketching and learning are inspiring, and I'm excited to see what will come of it. New designs are already flowing onto the page, but will come to life as my own form of three dimensional art. I've decided that's what it is for me, because I'm stuck somewhere between the fashion world and the art world. I don't fully fit into either one, but it may be okay. Maybe the world doesn't need another artist or fashion designer. Maybe it needs a new hybrid of both. And if not, oh well. I love what I do :)

Becoming more regular in reading my Bible has eased the frustration as well, which is to say a frustration at wanting my life to be meaningful and fulfilling. Hopefully these days where I just want to sleep pass soon, I want to have energy for all the amazing things life holds.

Eyes are so beautiful in the sunlight

Here's another eve of a Vegas New Year's Eve. So much has changed since the last, and I love the introspection that comes with reflecting on a year past. It was probably the worst year I can remember, so it's with prayer and hope that the new year is welcomed for me. I've learned so much about myself, about God, about life... never thought I'd end up where I am now. Every plan I had got flipped upside down, and confidence and peace has finally taken residence in the shattered remnants of the past. God broke my heart that was broken without my knowing. He broke it to reset it to grow back together in a healthy way; a way that loves Him and that brings me happiness and peace. I learned the keys to life are love and faith, without which everything falls apart.

I love the things that haven't changed too. Like having friends that are friends no matter what. I am so blessed that every time I come home I know that there are people I will feel warm and safe with. Also, having a family that is crazy, but so special. Knowing they'll make me smile, laugh, annoyed, and frustrated, but above all else, loved.

God and Time heal all things. I am so surprised and blessed at the capacity I have to love again, when I never thought I could. Surprised and blessed that God would bring someone amazing and special into my life, whom I feel like I've known forever and a day. To know a person other than my Grandpa and God sees me as a princess.. it's far more than I deserve.

I'm working on a dress for a party tomorrow night, thankfully I have an excuse to make something on a deadline. Kelly and I are getting tattoos on Friday!!!! So exciting. I've been listening to new Flyleaf, and it's so incredible. This break has already flown by, and I feel like I haven't done very much yet. It took a whole week to feel at home again, but now that I do, I'm excited to move back home for the summer. Haven't broken any bones... still have all my teeth.. life is good. I've lost my ability to stay up the whole night without being super tired, so unfortunate.

Here's to 2010 being really great.

With a making smile, he placed one hand upon my shoulder

The past few weeks have been some of the craziest ever. My lovely Dana Beth returned home early from Europe, and it has been such a blessing having her home. I've been trying to keep my planner straight, because it's completely filled up until I head home next weekend. Amidst all the Christmas parties, insane coastal storms, and school work, life is never boring.

A few weeks ago I also dared to let go of my life, and gave it completely to God, trusting that He had a plan for me. After months of struggling emotionally and relationally, I just gave up after reading in Romans about having faith like Abraham. It gave me tremendous peace reading that, and then my life began to change.

It's been hard surrendering completely, because I had hung on by my fingertips to my plan for so long. I don't want to cause pain to anyone, and it's a bit scary still. But I have peace about it all, and I'm excited to see where life leads :)

Green Eyes Don't Lie

Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas for Thanksgiving, for the first time in a long time.

Hopefully the swine leaves my body soon.

Being single is growing on me, maybe it's just how I'm meant to be. I think I'm okay with that.

Reading Anna Karenin again. Tolstoy, you were a genius. And you still are because you live on through your stories. Not sure why I love Russian literature so much.. but I do. Masterful weavers of intricate plot lines, those writers are.

Praise God for all the wonderful people He has placed in my life. For a plan that is being revealed little by little. I trust it everything will work out, so I can be like the old people I watched eat their quiet sunny picnic at Shelter the other day. How I envied them for having seen what their plans were. For being at the end of the journey, hopefully full of joy, not regrets. Though I rejoice I still have that journey to make. I want to make it a good one :)

We've resorted to punching them in the face. We'll be getting into trouble soon.

Taking a trip down memory lane.. what times they were.

There's a lurch in my stomach when I see how things were, without the courage to really try to remember what it was like.

Oh how things have changed.

Hm. update on life?

Surf class is over, resulting in quite a bit more free time. I have yet to do free museum tuesdays. Maybe tomorrow.

Classes are killing me. I want to be done with this semester.

November is going to be an amazing month. The Used. Attack Attack. BTF. New Moon. Going home for Thanksgiving. It's going to be great.

Pain is still receding. But the journey is going well.

Struggling to stay close to God, but trying.

Still needing to change a few things about my attitude and thoughts that doesn't line up with what God wants from me.

I miss my amazing friends that I haven't seen for months, or more.

I'm itching to go on a good roadtrip.

I miss security. And I have my doubts it can exist in people.

I got amazingly comfy sweatpants that make me very happy when I wear them.

I love, I hurt, I cry, I hope, and when it's all said and done, I wouldn't trade my life for anything different.