Alone.

So I've been in London for almost two weeks now, and my feelings toward it are completely bipolar. I've felt lost and alone in a foreign country, homesick for my family and friends, and heartsick over broken relationships. But gradually my heart is starting to change, because I see now that God has brought me here to reset my broken bones and broken heart. It's just me and Him here, and God's ignited an insatiable hunger to be close to Him again. I fill my two hours of walking to school and back with sermons on my Ipod. I spend my hours doing homework with Christian radio stations playing. I actually get on my knees and lift everything in my heart up to God every night before I go to sleep. It's been almost three years since that has been a regular practice for me.

Several key things have come to light in the past week through reading the Word, hearing sermons, and insight from a fellow Christian.

Firstly, I was reading 1 and 2 Corinthians the other morning, and I was totally convicted about my life over the past few years. How I ignored God so long that He let me walk my own path of destruction. I became depraved and completely different from the person I was when I was walking with Him. I cried because of how sad I am that I walked away from the Lord, and have come to the realization that my pain and broken heart are signs that He loves me. He loved me so much that He completely broke me down, but even as I'm drowning in sorrow, God is rescuing me. He is refining my heart, and I know that my experiences have already been an encouragement to others. My mistakes weren't completely in vain.

Secondly, right after reading that, a good friend of mine said that God put it on his heart to share the following quote with me:

Often we are faced with a crisis, the standard, garden-variety answer is to sort of tuck your tail between your legs, run into a corner, and let the cobwebs form over you. But there is a better way. As long as you have breath in your lungs, you have a purpose for living. you have a reason to exist. No matter how bad that track record might have been, marked by disobedience and compromise through most of your life, you're alive, you're existing. and God says "there's a reason. And i'm willing to do creative things to put you back on your feet. You can lick you wounds if that's your choice. But there's a better way." it will take creativity, it will take determination, it will take constant eyes on The Lord. But when he pulls it off, its marvelous. -Chuck Swindoll

Now, what I got from that was that no matter how much I've messed up, God still has a purpose for me. This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. What a blessing and encouragement this was on that day.

The third thing, yet again along the same lines, is three sermons I've listened to between yesterday and today by Steele Croswhite. They were from 1 Peter, 1 Corinthians.. and I think Romans. But basically speaking even further into what it means to be a Christian without compromise, and on spiritual maturity. I got slapped in the face when he started talking about sin in the Christians life. Yes we're still saved, but it leads to death. Death of joy, death of purpose, death of the conscience. And I experienced all of those when I chose to walk my own path. I was miserable. And when we choose to walk that way, God will break our legs. Thus my brokenness, but now that I am broken, I'm praying God will heal me to be closer to Him.

Well I'm done ranting now, but I'm glad God drug me thousands of miles away from home now. It's starting to makes sense.