Today I hit a crisis point in life, questioning so many things. Who I am, what I stand for, where I belong, who my friends are, and the choices I make. None of it made any sense today, and I just wanted to go home. The place I call home changes a lot.. but today home was Las Vegas, with my family and friends that know me better than anyone. San Diego doesn't feel like home right now, and Utah is out of the running too. My own skin doesn't feel like home either. I'm thinking it's just transition blues getting me down, that and wondering where the past three years has gotten me. It's been a wearying three years, and part of me just wants to quit. It will all work out though. It always does.
I also can't figure out why I feel like relationships go in cycles of good to bad, then back to good again. It can't be healthy to be so unstable. But where is the line between loving and hanging in there, and walking away because it's not good? I can't seem to find it, so maybe there isn't one. Maybe it's just gray. I hate gray. Black and white is so much easier to deal with, my brain longs to be sure of things. My heart does too.
Well, classes are over officially, and I feel so free. It hasn't really set in yet, but the time has almost come to say goodbye to living on campus, being an RA, and to Cali for a few months. Just finals to fight now... and the remainder of my visa application. I promise myself that tomorrow I WILL be completely done with the stupid thing, so I can just go to the shady immigration office, get my fingerprints taken, and mail it all in. The day that envelope falls into that lovely blue postal service box will be a glorious one. Hopefully next Tuesday.
Sleep time.
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