You may be a big fish in a small pond, but that doesn't mean you've won.

Today is such a happy day :) I'm so excited for Megan and Zach.

I'm discovering that art classes are a great way to vent creative frustration, and that happiness stems from it. Sketching and learning are inspiring, and I'm excited to see what will come of it. New designs are already flowing onto the page, but will come to life as my own form of three dimensional art. I've decided that's what it is for me, because I'm stuck somewhere between the fashion world and the art world. I don't fully fit into either one, but it may be okay. Maybe the world doesn't need another artist or fashion designer. Maybe it needs a new hybrid of both. And if not, oh well. I love what I do :)

Becoming more regular in reading my Bible has eased the frustration as well, which is to say a frustration at wanting my life to be meaningful and fulfilling. Hopefully these days where I just want to sleep pass soon, I want to have energy for all the amazing things life holds.

Eyes are so beautiful in the sunlight

Here's another eve of a Vegas New Year's Eve. So much has changed since the last, and I love the introspection that comes with reflecting on a year past. It was probably the worst year I can remember, so it's with prayer and hope that the new year is welcomed for me. I've learned so much about myself, about God, about life... never thought I'd end up where I am now. Every plan I had got flipped upside down, and confidence and peace has finally taken residence in the shattered remnants of the past. God broke my heart that was broken without my knowing. He broke it to reset it to grow back together in a healthy way; a way that loves Him and that brings me happiness and peace. I learned the keys to life are love and faith, without which everything falls apart.

I love the things that haven't changed too. Like having friends that are friends no matter what. I am so blessed that every time I come home I know that there are people I will feel warm and safe with. Also, having a family that is crazy, but so special. Knowing they'll make me smile, laugh, annoyed, and frustrated, but above all else, loved.

God and Time heal all things. I am so surprised and blessed at the capacity I have to love again, when I never thought I could. Surprised and blessed that God would bring someone amazing and special into my life, whom I feel like I've known forever and a day. To know a person other than my Grandpa and God sees me as a princess.. it's far more than I deserve.

I'm working on a dress for a party tomorrow night, thankfully I have an excuse to make something on a deadline. Kelly and I are getting tattoos on Friday!!!! So exciting. I've been listening to new Flyleaf, and it's so incredible. This break has already flown by, and I feel like I haven't done very much yet. It took a whole week to feel at home again, but now that I do, I'm excited to move back home for the summer. Haven't broken any bones... still have all my teeth.. life is good. I've lost my ability to stay up the whole night without being super tired, so unfortunate.

Here's to 2010 being really great.

With a making smile, he placed one hand upon my shoulder

The past few weeks have been some of the craziest ever. My lovely Dana Beth returned home early from Europe, and it has been such a blessing having her home. I've been trying to keep my planner straight, because it's completely filled up until I head home next weekend. Amidst all the Christmas parties, insane coastal storms, and school work, life is never boring.

A few weeks ago I also dared to let go of my life, and gave it completely to God, trusting that He had a plan for me. After months of struggling emotionally and relationally, I just gave up after reading in Romans about having faith like Abraham. It gave me tremendous peace reading that, and then my life began to change.

It's been hard surrendering completely, because I had hung on by my fingertips to my plan for so long. I don't want to cause pain to anyone, and it's a bit scary still. But I have peace about it all, and I'm excited to see where life leads :)

Green Eyes Don't Lie

Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas for Thanksgiving, for the first time in a long time.

Hopefully the swine leaves my body soon.

Being single is growing on me, maybe it's just how I'm meant to be. I think I'm okay with that.

Reading Anna Karenin again. Tolstoy, you were a genius. And you still are because you live on through your stories. Not sure why I love Russian literature so much.. but I do. Masterful weavers of intricate plot lines, those writers are.

Praise God for all the wonderful people He has placed in my life. For a plan that is being revealed little by little. I trust it everything will work out, so I can be like the old people I watched eat their quiet sunny picnic at Shelter the other day. How I envied them for having seen what their plans were. For being at the end of the journey, hopefully full of joy, not regrets. Though I rejoice I still have that journey to make. I want to make it a good one :)

We've resorted to punching them in the face. We'll be getting into trouble soon.

Taking a trip down memory lane.. what times they were.

There's a lurch in my stomach when I see how things were, without the courage to really try to remember what it was like.

Oh how things have changed.

Hm. update on life?

Surf class is over, resulting in quite a bit more free time. I have yet to do free museum tuesdays. Maybe tomorrow.

Classes are killing me. I want to be done with this semester.

November is going to be an amazing month. The Used. Attack Attack. BTF. New Moon. Going home for Thanksgiving. It's going to be great.

Pain is still receding. But the journey is going well.

Struggling to stay close to God, but trying.

Still needing to change a few things about my attitude and thoughts that doesn't line up with what God wants from me.

I miss my amazing friends that I haven't seen for months, or more.

I'm itching to go on a good roadtrip.

I miss security. And I have my doubts it can exist in people.

I got amazingly comfy sweatpants that make me very happy when I wear them.

I love, I hurt, I cry, I hope, and when it's all said and done, I wouldn't trade my life for anything different.

beauty in the breakdown

Garden State. Always a favorite movie, and now my favorite ending..

- What are you doing? - Remember that idea I had about working stuff out on my own... 
- and then finding you once I figured stuff out? - The ellipsis? 
Yeah. The ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. 
And I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it. 
This is life... 
and I'm in love with you, Samantha. 
I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life. 
I'm really messed up now, and I got a lot of stuff I gotta work out. 
But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, okay? 
- Yeah. - And I think I can do this! I mean, I want to. 
- We have to, right? - Yeah! 
- Right? - Yes! 
So what do we do? 
What do we do?

You smell like a sweet July morning

It's officially fall weather in Point Loma, cold breeze and all. It's a lovely 60 degrees, and everyone is wandering around shivering and bundled in layers of warm weather clothing. I loved the ringing in of the season with a Rudolph vinyl to dupe everyone into thinking it's Christmas time. This, along with a classic cold, make me quite happy for this time of year.

This last weekend was really awful, but really wonderful at the same time. Friday started out as an amazing random day with the roomie, going to shady car repair places and going to get free samples at every possible place in Pacific Beach. We saw No Impact Man at an old fashioned movie theater in Hillcrest, and it made me think in depth about how my lifestyle aligns with God's call on my life to stewardship of His creation. We also went to an intense modern art exhibit in the middle of a forest at UCSD. All of these things kept me blessedly focused on something other than the phone call I got at the end of the movie that my Grandma finally passed away, after a short and brutal fight with breast cancer.

I was very close with my Grandma, and I have been for my entire life. We had so many wonderful sleepovers, road trips, and late night story telling sessions over the years, it was like having a friend my age to talk to. Going to her house for Thanksgiving every year is really the only tradition my family has consistently, so not going this year will be hard. Thankfully I was surrounded by amazing friends who truly cared about me, making sure they kept me busy all weekend, and were there to listen when I needed to talk and cry and vent.

I went downtown with my amazing hall to eat Indian food, and we watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (funny, yet slightly disgusting).I played soccer with the youth group, and can barely move today. I helped my friend John sew an awesome vest and talked with Ashton for a long time while we dealt with the ridiculous airport traffic picking up Adam. It turned into a joyous weekend, and I finally told my parents about the reality of my current relationships, which feels so freeing. God is faithful to not give me more than I can handle, even though I don't think I could have been able to on my own. But He has blessed me with amazing friends who walk alongside me to encourage me, and to affirm that I am worthwhile and loved.

Another Monday is over. I'm sure this week will fly by like the rest have, and hopefully this cold disappears soon :) And speaking of which, I just stole on of Jaime's Trader Joe vitamin C tablet things. So yummy.

I'm praying that all my friends abroad stay safe and have amazing times the rest of the semester, I can't believe it's almost halfway over already. I'm trying to look forward instead of back in some parts of my life, even though looking back is more pleasant than the present. I never thought my life would look like this if you'd asked me a year ago. Never say never, and expect change to happen. I think God loves to shake us up. We're like His tiny snowglobes that He shakes whenever the snow settles to the bottom. Deep down I knew I wanted more from my life than how I was living it, and now I can see that clearly. I hated the process, and I still do. But yet the result is freedom and fullness like I haven't experienced in so long. Thank goodness God is in charge of planning my life, because I'm not smart or creative enough to know what's the best for me. He goes above and beyond what I can do on my own.

Hope all is well with everyone :)