And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

I love airports. I'm sitting in the San Diego one right now, and I love it. It's very similar to the one in Salt Lake. I also love Albuquerque's and Boise's. Maybe it's because each major airport tries it's best to combine everything local into one big welcoming place. Or because there's great art all over. Or maybe because my dad, uncle, and grandpa are all pilots.

It's been a year to the day since I flew out of this airport, to the same place. But so much has changed in that year. I'm going to do completely different things, and to see different people. It's so strange to think how much can change in a year. I promised myself quite some time ago that I'd never go back, but fate has an interesting way of changing the heart's plans. I left a large part of myself up there, so I feel drawn back to it. I'm just as excited for this trip as I was for the last one. I woke up with butterflies, and to some really funny texts from Chi. I've decided just to focus on the good memories, and the good things about the 801. Amazing people, natural beauty, and all the random fun to be had in mormontown.

It's also fitting to be there to help Chi pack up her house to leave Provo, because just four short years ago I was helping her move in to her BYU apartment. We were crazy high school kids with no cares and insane tendencies, and we pulled into town partially clothed in an overpacked car with a fish in a burger king cup. Now Chi is married and responsible, and I'm almost done with college. How time flies. Hopefully we'll relive some of those times this week, because I really miss them.

The plane just pulled up to the gate. I hope the weather holds, it's been rainy today. And I want one of those zippy little tarmac carts, like the one in Toy Story 2. They look like a lot of fun.

Why? Because why not?

I got two whole pieces of mail today. Granted one was from my mother, but it still made me smile. I love getting snail mail.

There have been random outbursts by the local seagulls today, probably because they're frolicking around in the beautiful weather while I am AGAIN stuck inside at work.

On the bright side, Provo tomorrow! I still have to pack, and somehow fit everything I need in a carry on bag. My overpacking issues are ridiculous, but I made a list to make sure I don't pack too much extra. I can't wait to see Chynee, Zombie, and Eveetaco!! whoooo!!! And everyone else too.

I think I'm going to go out in the sun and take some random pictures now.

Hearts don't break even

Stressed insightfulness filled today.

I swam in the mass of humanity that was Ocean Beach today. So many people with so little sun protection. Tanning is such a strange phenomenon. But how neat is it that we can turn colors? As kids, we loved magic markers and anything that would instantly change colors. Maybe this grown up penchant for gradually browning skin stems from that.

At the beach, I picked up a book my friend Dana had in her bag called Lady in Waiting. It's about being a single woman and waiting for God's best (man that is.) After flipping a few pages, I fell on one called A Lady of Conviction. It was about making choices to stand strong in your convictions about the characteristics a man should have. Then followed a long list of the traits of a godly man, which seems difficult to find. However in hindsight, after dating several boys who did not have many of these traits, I have been left wishing with all my heart I'd been a lady of conviction. I hope I am now, or am at least growing into one. It's hard not to fall into the trap of thinking I don't deserve a godly man because of my past. This "not good enough" tendency can't be true, because I know God wants me to to marry someone living for Him, and also that He will work everything that has happened out for good somehow.

I'm not sure why it all seems so hard, shouldn't we be excited waiting for that person God wants us to be with? I know so many girls filled with impatience and malcontent because they fear they won't find that person. But what I've learned is I'd rather be single forever than to be with someone less than God's best for me.

Yes he is an alien. If you wanted to hide him, why didn't you give him eyebrows?

Today was a blessing because I spent it doing the things I love the most. I did a photoshoot with one of my models, then hung out by myself and worked on a shoot for a few more hours. I love working on art and listening to music, it feels so good to be industrious. It's also hard being so immersed in work on such a beautiful day. But I did get some good pictures in.

My life is in FULL swing right now, and I don't see much of a break coming for... well not at all actually. But it will be wonderful to be in Utah next week. Everyone up there warms my heart and blesses me so much. Besides the never ending to-do list, it's wonderful to be busy. God is showing me new and amazing things every day, and it feels so great to be free in His grace.

I'm currently obsessed with Alesana and Silverstein. I've been listening to them nonstop for the past two days.

And.. I watched this ridiculous video last night with my roommate. Thank you Jaime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-yldqNkGfo

Taste it rolling on your tongue

I'm sitting on the patio of my favorite coffee shop here in San Diego, soaking up the sunlight while i finish up some homework and spend time in the Word. Apparently I'm graduating early, so there's no time to waste enjoying the ocean air.

A verse I came across today in Proverbs perplexed me.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:10

I found it interesting because I have the tendency to not want to hope, because I hate getting disappointed. People let me down, situations don't work out, and it's easy to become disenchanted with the World. But I'm also realizing that when you have God as your only focus, these events just roll off, and life continues to be joyful. I'm not sure when I reached the point that I started to let disappointment get to me, because I used to just smile and let it go. I'm praying that God will bring my heart back to that place.

Hope is a good thing, and choosing not to hope just leads to sadness. Hoping and being let down, with the knowledge that God is in charge of everything, is definitely better than deferring hope.

God places desires on our hearts for reasons often unknown to us. Sometimes we don't understand it and want it to go away. One of my best friends told me she wishes God didn't place the desire for a significant other on our hearts until we are ready and know who that person is. Having a desire and not seeing right away how it will work out is a practice in faith. We can know that God has a plan, but still have a bloody difficult time being okay with it.

All I know is God knows me better than I do. Somehow the desires I've had and hopes that have been disappointed are working together for my best interest. I can see a lot of ways that it has already happened, so trusting the rest will be okay shouldn't be this hard. So I'm praying for more faith too, and peace with God's timing and plan for my life.

Two men were walking in the desert. One got bitten by a rattlesnake in the left butt cheek...

Nothing pulls at the heart like having a dying man talk to you about what the last days of life are like. We had an amazing man named Dan Nelson speak to our high school youth group last night, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Dan was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), last august. He has taught music at my college for the past 18 years, and was given about a year to live. A video was shown as an introduction, telling about his life and story. The strong and vibrant man in the clip was a stark contrast to the one in the wheelchair on stage, who couldn't even hold up his head. He was joined by his newlywed wife, a beautiful and amazing woman who lets God be her strength and write her story.

Dan started off by telling us we're all dying, it's just a matter of when, after a relatively dry joke about rattlesnake bites in the butt. That's when we all started to lose it. I wanted to write down every word he said, because i knew writing it down later wouldn't give it justice. But I'm going to try to recall the parts that stood out to me the strongest.

The story of him and his wife stood out to me. They had been dating a while when the ALS diagnosis came. That same day, they went out to dinner and started planning their wedding and his funeral at the same time. How a couple could do that is beyond me, but their sense of humor far surpassed anything I could imagine. She loves him and takes care of him, and trusts in God for her strength. They have an orphanage in Rowanda that they crusade for, and have continued to do so throughout the worsening illness.

Dan spoke about planning his funeral, which will take place in the Greek and will be catered by Phil's Barbeque. We're all invited. He also said, when asked by a 16 year old kid about being scared about going hell, that hell to him would be being stuck in the parking lot of Criket Stadium after a Rascal Flatts concert. He's doubted his commitment to God, but that he's never doubted God's commitment to him.

He said he regrets a lot of things, but the things he cherishes most as a dying man is the relationships in his life. He hopes he gets to travel the world when he's dead, and also offered some good advice about meeting people in heaven. What if you meet someone you hated? Don't hate. What if you meet someone you cheated? Don't cheat. What if you meet someone you made fun of? Don't make fun.

Every word he said was incredible. His joy and humor were inspiring. My film maker friend Jared has been meeting with him for an hour a week for several years now, and filming all of it. I asked him what he's going to do with all the footage. And he responded "hopefully make the best documentary of all times."

I think it will be.

Heima-Alafoss Vaka

I'm sitting at work waiting for my shift to be over, so I decided to write this catch up blog while I watch Sigur Ros music videos. I've been traveling so much the past few weeks, I'm exhausted. I went home to Vegas for spring break with Jaime and Dana, which was amazing. We did the every hour photo challenge, and I have most of them posted on my flickr. This past weekend I went to Flagstaff, AZ with the youth staff, and it was awesome too. I took a total of 752 pictures on that trip. Funny how much I prefer to see life through the lens of a camera. It's so much more exciting.

I'm trying to be an explorer of the world. Finding the little things in life to be beautiful and exciting like smells, flowers, colors, all of it is so much fun. I'm also trying to be more intentional in all the relationships in my life, and in letting God use me in any way He wants. I've been working on a few new design patterns, and I'm really excited about it. I'll be starting my etsy account as soon as I get it organized and my portfolio for London finished.

Next week I'm going to Provo, and it warms my heart to know that I'm going to get to see so many amazing people that I miss so much. It's like jumping back into reality going up there, because I feel truly alive. Then a few weekends after that, I get to go beach camping with some of them, which will be soooo fun!

Jumping around to all these different places wears me out, but keeps me grounded in knowing that the world really does have good people in it. I don't know which place I belong in yet, but it's a comfort knowing that wherever I end up, I'll still have amazing friends.

Daggers just flew from James Cameron's eyes...

I’m a bit nervous for tomorrow. It’s my first buying trip in LA, actually picking out large amounts of fabric. Bargaining is scary, and it’s my first time actually investing a fair amount of money in fabric I plan on making clothes to sell out of. I’m praying I make good decisions and find everything I need for the next few months. The whole business thing is a crazy process, one I don’t feel prepared for in the slightest. But when opportunity knocks, you have to go for it. So I’m going for it. I know I’ll learn a lot and will make mistakes along the way, but it’s what I love to do. All in all it’s exciting to try it all out, and hopefully this summer I’ll learn even more skills to do what I love. God knows the desire of my heart, and I have faith in Him that He has given me the skills and talents I have to minister for Him. And only He knows where it will all take me in life, I’m just along for the ride,

Remember Eve

Sweetie, you are poison to me, sucking the strength I’ve worked so hard to acquire and building a false future that will never be. I need to be free from you, but I keep falling into the past. Comparable to Eve, I follow you off the path I should be on, losing track of God’s promise to bring me what’s best. Yet anything you have to offer comes up short, and I don’t want it anymore. I deserve better. I want you to stop haunting my waking and sleeping dreams so that it can be no more than a memory I recall only on occasion.

I wake up in the morning feeling like... bah, get this song out of my head

I love encouraging youth group days. We had a panel of female youth staff answering questions for all of the guys, and it sparked some good conversation. There was some good insight into relationships that I loved hearing and being able to offer experience on. I'm stoked for the Arizona youth staff trip in a few weeks, because it's exciting to participate in that kind of bonding experience with people who offer so much insight and knowledge.

I fell asleep for four hours today, perks of being sick. It astounds me how vivid dreams can be, even when I'm half awake. Hopefully this sickness leaves soon, because I miss running!

Jaime and I discovered you can (supposedly) hold dvd's at redboxes online, but when we got to the redbox, it didn't work. Scam? Maybe so... But we're watching the new Harry Potter none the less. There's a copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show sitting on the table here in the lounge, and I plan to abscond with it and watch it this week if nobody claims it.

Now one giant Chipotle burrito later, I'm ready for sleep again, rather it be food coma or sickness. Man I love that place :)

I get knocked down, but I get up again

I've had a rather down past few days, but with really high highs thrown in. Pastor Dee talked about Psalm 27 yesterday at church, and spoke about all the darkness we hold in our lives. Darkness of insecurity, fear or not being good enough, not being adequate to do what we want in life, and other similar things. It was amazing to have God speak that into my life, because I'd journaled about it the night before. It's such an unstable time of life, but I know that God is with me, so I should not fear.

Classes keep getting cancelled, and I'm slightly sick with a cough and headache from being stressed for so long, so it all works out. Next week I get to go home for spring break, and I'm going to a show Sunday night by myself. I feel like I do that a lot, because it's so hard to find people who are passionate about the same things as me here. But I don't mind. I'm normally just a nameless face in the crowd, so it fits for me to join the masses while in my own little world. No need to worry about someone leaving you or having to keep track of someone. Just me, myself, and I to take care of.

Looking at experiencing the near future alone isn't as scary if I remember I can just put my mind into God and work. I am a hard worker, and can put my mind to designing for hours on end. It's almost a numbing sensation, which can be quite helpful.