Pop and lock it like a prostitute. That will be the most amazing thing ever said at a Point Loma event.

My fashion show was yesterday, and the entire thing seems like a crazy blur now. I somehow got everything finished, but an hour before the show. Yesterday involved a lot of stress, no sleep, smashing a dress with a hammer, and falling off the stage in 5 inch stilettos. I'm feeling that fall in my lower back today. The best part about the night though was seeing all my girls grow as friends, having a blast goofing off and being themselves. It was also a huge blessing to have so many of my friends come to support me. Dana really outdid herself on the event, Culy warehouse is a fabulous venue. Shelly made amazing red velvet cupcakes and we danced the night away. Today I have to go back to work, but thankfully much later than I normally do. I feel like I've been hit by a bus after the marathon that was the last week, but it was all worth it. Most of my pictures turned out blurry, but as a whole, everything was amazing.

I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well

It's the eve of another fashion show, and I'm stressed out as normal trying to get things done. My dreams are often bigger than my time allows, especially two days before. I should have finished weeks ago, but unfortunately it seems I can only function under extreme pressure and time crunch.

I've decided it's just the nature of the artistic beast. Doing conventional design just doesn't fly with me most of the time, and some of my best stuff comes to me at 2am when I'm digging through fabrics and wrapping them around myself to get ideas.

I have three major gowns to make still, and a few less complicated pieces I would like to get done. Nothing like flying by the seat of your pants.

Which one will you be, the black or the white?

Sometimes people change.

Sometimes so much that there's nothing left of what there was before.

We are not genius, but we have genius

Some days just read like a post out of failblog.

Other days you go to Denny's with wet hair, then spend your morning with no power, singing along to 30h3 while your roommates drink beer and color in Disney princess coloring books.

I paint my fingernails coral fusion pink and get it all over my face.

We walk to grocery stores with our eco-friendly Luna crossbody bags and bird watch and see secret passageways through trees.

Late nights and tea and talking and Dashboard playing through the stereo.

Vindicated always makes me slip into a peaceful state, combatting the messy family divorce addressed publicly on facebook.

It makes you wonder, what's the next thing that will change?

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

You love surprises. Be inspired by that. Keep the secret until the surprise is whole. Feel no pressure if it doesn’t work out, because it is completely unknown except to yourself. Breathe deep and lose yourself in the passion of creating. Nothing else matters, and your gifts won’t be fully realized until that becomes truth. When you actually want to get up early in the morning to work on something, then you know it’s your passion. Don’t feel suffocated because what you’re doing isn’t perfect yet. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Remember Margiela. Actually doing something is important, more important than waiting until you feel ready to make a perfect try of it. Because nothing is going to get to that point without a lot of tries and mistakes first. Step out the front door and don’t look back. Fast from the things that hold you down and steal your time. Embrace the random whims that come into your mind, and don’t be afraid to have complete disjointedness between endeavors. Only then can it be made cohesive. Listen to Eisley and pin up old memories and sketches and photographs amongst the wooden slats of the space you make your own. You’re only 22, the pressure your feeling should not be made crippling, only inspiring in a way that makes you want to make every day and second count. Go to bed each night knowing you did everything you could to make your life a story worth telling.

"How did you get sober?" "I closed my mind, and I willed it to be."

I'm coming to find out that working in fashion retail is brainwashing. I realized this when Jaime pulled out a bright teal sweatshirt that said "Emu Farmers" with a picture of emus on the front, and I fell in love with it. Who needs 200 dollar shirts when you can have a thrift store find like that?

This week has been a really interesting journey, because I finally got so tired of being in a rut in life that I decided to change a few things. I gave up coffee and alcohol, and started meeting with an amazing mentor that is the most encouraging person I've ever met. She lets me vent out all my crazy life conundrums and speaks volumes into my life from the Lord. I've been praying for contentment within my job, and for peace about where God wants me to live, and I feel like this prayer is being slowly answered. It started with walking in the back alley near my house and smelling the night blooming jasmine. I fell asleep smiling to that smell, because the outdoors are so near and dear to my heart. In the midst of crazy everyday life, finding joy in God's creation is always simple fulfillment. Maybe I do belong here. I have such an amazing community of friends here, I have a great job, and I love my church. As much as I gripe and complain about wanting to be somewhere else, I feel like that is beginning to fade. Two nights in a row, I fell asleep smiling, just because I was happy to be where I was.

Church was amazing this morning. We're doing a series on how to be a spiritual leader, and every Sunday blows my mind. I listen to the podcasts of the sermons several times over during the week because there is so much to soak in. I LOVE being a part of a church that is seeking desperately after God's will in everything. I know that God is so faithful in my life to lift me up when I'm down, I just have to let Him do it.

Now my roommate and I are reverting back to middle school days, which may or may not include Spice Girls and Christina Aguilera music videos... I can't wait for our other roommate to get home, she finally met her hero Brian Wilson this weekend. It's going to be a shriek fest, I can feel it.

There is no such thing as an unwritten life, only a badly written one.

Night Jasmine is blooming.

It's the perfect setting to have the windows wide open.

And to dance alone by candle light to Jimmy Eat World.

I love it when the Lord refreshes my soul.

I feel like I'm in a sauna with the Blue Man Group

Some days you wake up after bad dreams with a head cold, and you just have to count your blessings.

I've been living at work since I got home from Las Vegas Monday night, but this weekend has lots of fun Cali nights in store. I'm looking forward to line dancing, going to Vin De Syrah for my belated birthday party, and to hanging out with my wonderful old roomie.

God is pretty cool... he has put a really neat mentor in my life that I get to meet for coffee every week from here on out. He also gave me peace about not moving home.

And, Chianne gave me the sweetest rose bush for my birthday, I got to plant it so that it stays alive until I kill it with my brown thumb. I'm trying not to do that.

I ordered Regina Spektor's Far album, The Weakerthans Left After Leaving album, and the Brothers Bloom DVD yesterday, so it's like Christmas waiting for them to show up! So much fun to be had.

When my wife puts her cold feet against the back, it makes me go through the roof! brrr.

Being patient is hard.

But I'm glad I've found something worth waiting for. And that for friends in life that help me realize that.

Late night conversation and Death Cab.

Favorite.

Home is a long way from here

I look at a day off in a completely different light now. Today I woke up late, made coffee, read a few chapters in Matthew, then embarked on a creative endeavor. This starts with popping in the Heima DVD from Sigur Ros, which will literally change your life once you watch it. Or at least make you want to go to Iceland in a bad way. Then it continues with pulling out the pile of clothes Buffalo didn't want to buy from me, and chopping them up into pieces.

I spent the first part of my afternoon making a skirt and a dress out of two shirts that I have, because I've been encouraged to make some new things recently. I've been having such a hard time making the time and space to actually do it the past few weeks, but I've also realized I don't feel complete unless I'm doing something creative. It's a part of who I am, and who God has made me to be. There's something empty about not using the gifts God gave me.

In other news, San Diego Airport is going to start having a non-stop flight to London soon. Why does this matter? Because my apartment, as well as hundreds of other houses and buildings are in the flight path of the airport. We already deal with constant interruption of the planes during the day, and the new jets are supposed to be much louder. Therefore, as a stipulation to having international flights from San Diego, the airport has to provide soundproof doors and windows to everyone in the flight path.

What? Do they know how man doors and windows that is? This part of the city looks like a nicer version of a Tijuana slum hill. It's a hodge-podge of random apartment buildings, alleyways, and houses from every era, all extremely close together.

I only mention this because they started installing new windows in a few of the apartments in my complex. I watched them from my window this morning.

tonight...

I love the conversations that happen in my life.

We talk about racial issues. How religion and sex interact with one another. Eggs.

And also, why do people from other countries sing with an american accent? Lisztomania by Phoenix, case in point. When they talk... strong French accent. When they sing... none? Why is this? Lily Allen and Kate Nash have accents when they sing. I don't get it....

Just some thoughts.

Cabaret? Is that like the wine?

Roommates.

It's one of the things that shapes you the most during college and the single years afterwards.

I have two right now.

We live in a one bedroom apartment a mile from Ocean Beach.

Stef is the cynical realist with a super sweet heart beneath it all.

She's going to law school soon.

Megan is the sports fanatic with blonde hair who's secretly black beneath it all.

She's getting her masters to be a P.E. teacher.

Together the three of us are very different, but this has been my favorite place to call home since moving out. I laugh all the time, I love coming home, and I appreciate them for being good sisters in Christ.

We sleep on the floor in our lovely bedroom. It's like a sleepover every night. And if we happen to all go to bed at the same time, we don't fall asleep for hours because of how much we giggle. I feel sorry for the man that lives next door.

Our little home is full of warm candles, hilarious quotes from Megan, Yoga Booty Ballet and Workout with Bob, movies, back alley finds, and love.

I know I'll always look back on this as one of the most fun times of life, and it reminds me that God has a purpose for everything. This season of life has turned out far different than I expected, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm not sure quite yet where God wants me in the long run, but for right now, I'll enjoy hearing the ocean outside my window.

Zandra isn't drinking water today, She believes going to the bathroom is a waste of time.

Adjustments are the worst part of life. Something changes; sometimes drastic, sometimes small, and then the whole world seems altered. Changes are blessings that wear the disguise of discomfort and awkwardness. It's also interesting to me how we can't wait for things to change at times, then realize afterwards how good we had it before.

God's timing is significant. It is always right, always good, and often very different from ours.

I love that about God.

Life just seems to have a new feel to it that is hard to explain. I went home for Christmas break incredibly worn out and ready for an emotional respite. My home in Vegas is a place of love, craziness, good food, amazing friends, and memories I will remember forever. The fullness of being with friends you cherish and family you adore are more is more than words can express.

I miss it terribly.

At home, God started to work on my heart. He began to chip away all the pain and worry and stress that had built up since the fall. He began to show me my heart is worthwhile, and that life can be completely unexpected. He began to show me that healing can come to even the worst of pains.

And then I got a job. And someone started to make me feel alive again. And then before I knew if I was driving through a blizzard after the most amazing New Years of my life, listening to Regina Spektor with Meg, and knowing it was clear that everything was about to change.

I de-enrolled from Point Loma Nazarene University. I shed a tear or two then went to my favorite local coffee shop. I worked my first paid 40 hour week. I opened myself up to God moving me wherever He sees fit. And I felt cared for, not used or abandoned.

God is good even when I am not. Even when I am tired. And even when I can't see where He's leading me.

I just trust Him.

Recent Life Through Pictures

Here's recent life in picture form:

I've hung out with some pretty cool people

Gone to some wonderful local music shows

Dressed an army of mannequins for Zandra Rhodes at Mingei International Museum

Made a dress for Meaghan Maple's fabulous album release show
Made some business cards with a typewriter
Decorated for a birthday party
Had an adventure with Meg, records, and Taco Bell

Saw a lovely rendition of Alejandro performed through dance

And hung out with one of my favorite people from home.

It's halfway through the semester.. and I can't really wrap my head around that. Life moves so fast, don't forget to process, reflect, and enjoy every part of it.

"I can finally ask a girl out for a drink. And it doesn't mean milk or a caf refill anymore"

My blog worthy venture for today is the shirt I made. I got up early, had a productive morning and went to class, then spent the next 7 hours sewing. Dane and Megs were in an out of the house the whole time, which was fun and mixed it up. We got sushi at the original Sushi Deli, which was a lot of fun. I had the Mexican roll, and then it hit me. I like cilantro now. I used to absolutely despise cilantro. But slowly but surely it has been creeping it's way into my palate as of late. Then today, as I was staring at my roll, tasting delicious shrimp tempura, avacado and cilantro, my eyes were suddenly opened.

I made a shirt today that started off way different than it finished. I'm happy with it though, I mixed black jersey and embroidery thread to lace up the back. I'm going to wear it to a show tomorrow night.

Titanic was just on, and a completely stoned kid just used a Netty Pot in our bathroom. Epic times.

I just took my slippahs off

Life is happening so quickly, I feel like I never stop to process it all. It occured to me over the past few days that if I'm not living my life each day in a way that merits something worth writing about, I need to change it up a little bit. However, the problem hasn't been a lack of things to write about, but rather a lack of me taking that needed time for reflection.

The housing situation has been hectic and frustrating, because apparently nobody things six girls can function together in a small house. We did have the privilege of listening to two old schoolteacher give us a 2 hour lesson on plankton during a house viewing though. Quite an interesting topic I must say. It's a faith journey for sure, and I'm blessed to have a great place to stay in the time being.

Last week and this past weekend were brimming with crazy new people and experiences. I started my work at the Mingei International Museum on the Zandra Rhodes exhibit, which has been an amazing experience so far. I ironed for 14 hours, and today spent an entire day dressing a large army of white mannequins. I am so blessed to get to see all of the garments, and to learn so much about them while I'm working with them. My favorite dress of all times is a punk wedding dress she did in 1979 that I found in a book over the summer in London. And today I got to put that very dress on a mannequin. So much fun!

I had coffee with a friend, met two new friends, and played tourist this weekend. Saturday I took three of the youth group girls to get piercings at Seth's Chop Shop. They had fun, and I ended up having tea with Seth and his friend Julian in the upstairs music studio. Later that day, we met our random houseguest Bryan, and he turned out to be quite the wonderful new friend. I went with him, Sara, and Nikki to Ivy in the Gaslamp for a Jedediah art show that benefitted Invisible Children. It was on the roof of the club, complete with a pool and a huge spray painted wall. After that we wandered around and counted bachelorette parties, then got burritos.

Sunday I went to Existence, and church was amazing. My favorite worship leader was singing, and it was soooo good. The message challenged me to be bold in sharing my faith, which is something I've been growing in a lot lately. After church, I went to see Seth again about a monk and some tea, and he ended up cutting my hair for me. After this was the house viewing that went awry, then hanging out at the house competing with Nikki, Kendall, and Bryan on National Geographic Kids quizzes online. When homework was done, Sara, Nikki, Bryan and I went for a night swim. It was my first time in the ocean this year, and I'm not sure why I don't do that more.

Last night after class I went to Meaghan's house for some low key list making for our arts and crafts projects. But then Merrilee had to find free records on Craigs List and got us started on an insane adventure to Chula Vista. Long story short, we went the wrong way, had the records sold to someone else before we got there, and went to the wrong Taco Bell. 46 miles, 20 dollars, 91 new records, and the 5 dollar box at Taco Bell. And we listened to the Bird and the Bee and had great conversation. So all in all it was completely worth the shadiness.

Praise God for prayer. We talked about it tonight in youth group. We are so privileged as believers to have direct access to our father any time we want. And what a wonderful Father we have! After this summer, I have no doubt that prayer is ridiculously real and powerful in both the big and the small. I want to get into the daily discipline of asking the Lord to each day reveal to me His blessings and who He wants me to bless. And not only that, but that He would bring me into many situations daily where I can share His name and have my faith tested and grown. I feel like a lot of the tensions of the past week could have been solved if I had prayed about everything that happened before I acted. But I'm going into this week trying to do that, so we'll see what happens :)

we got the fat one and the runt of the litter

I find it amazing how life changes so much week to week. The entire climate of it can be so different all the time. I went home to Vegas again this past weekend to clear my head and to see my family and friends, whom I've been missing dearly. It's hard feeling so at home in two different places. The UNLV game was amazingly fun on Saturday night, and it was my first state school sporting event. It was strange to be there and imagine what my life would have been like the past few years if I'd stayed home and gone to school there on the full ride scholarship I had. I can picture myself there.. but at the same time, a whole amazing part of my life here in San Diego never would have happened.

Today was a big design day for me, and I'm super excited to start working on my collection for this season. My goal is to find space to do it by this weekend, because I'm itching for some creative flow to start happening. There are so many ideas I've had that need to actually happen, so hopefully pictures soon :)

You walk on streets of gold

I'm finally back in San Diego after a whirlwind week at home. I can't believe it went by so quickly, and so much happened. I got to see Alex for the first time in two years, Jennie got married, and Lauren has a baby now. There was a huge reunion at my house that hasn't happened in two years, and it was amazing seeing everyone and hanging out with my family.

Between jet lag, culture shock, and all the crazy adventures, I can't even remember all that happened last week, but I was incredibly sad to leave. I miss my family and my amazing friends back at home, but I'll be back there in two weeks to pick up more of my stuff.

Yesterday my classes started, and today was my first day interning for Zandra Rhodes. I got there at 10, and they put me to work organizing Zandra's work space. I enjoy organizing things, so it was a lot of fun. Not to mention the place is full of incredible things. Art supplies, sewing supplies, tons of fabric, crazy shoes, and makeup from her MAC line she did. After that I sewed labels for putting in the garments, but I did it all wrong the first time. When I finally figured it out (and used thread wax for the first time) I was ready for lunch. Beach parking was a nightmare, and even though I'm just a block away, I decided to take a nap in my car.

Back inside, I tied knots on the crazy ruffles on this amazing wedding dress someone commissioned Zandra to make, so I had to wash my hands a lot and be very careful. Then I was asked to try to paint and draw designs for fabrics inspired by Zandra's designs for the rest of the day. I have no idea if they'll actually like any of them, but it was fun to do nonetheless. I figured out that if I work 11 hours a week, it's plenty, so I left at 3:30. Christina, the office manager, was really sweet. She told me that when Zandra is actually in, she gets really intense and crazy, and sometimes gets really upset, so I should be prepared.

I'm so excited for youth group tonight, I've missed my girls so much! It's going to be a really fun year.

The End.

It's here at last. I leave London today, and it's at that point that I'm just ready to be home already. I've said my tearful goodbyes, eaten my last baguette, and ridden my last double decker bus. A lot has happened over the past few days, but I've had writers block of some kind, so even though I've sat down multiple times with the intent of writing it all down, I end up never finishing. Probably because my defense mechanism is to shut down when I'm about to leave another place I call home.

I had my last day of work, which was long and kind of sad. Julia gave me a genius hand made card though, it was super cute. All I did was meet a red headed woman named Katherine to give her keys, and it was a gorgeous walk trying to find the place. The wind was blowing and it was cold, almost going to rain. Then I got another lunch at Beetroot, the vegan restaurant I love now. Then I got back to the shop and helped Julia load her tiny car with all the clothes for her vintage show. I visited with Zanab (I finally learned how to spell her name) and we exchanged email addresses. Then I sat in the shop and put music on a flash drive for Julia the rest of the day, before going home for our going away party. I met April and Kik at the Thai restaurant where Kik was getting our food. ( and my getting our food, I mean cooking it in the kitchen with the chef. I love family run restaurants.) Then we had our little get-together with people from a bunch of different countries. Thailand, Italy, Poland, England, and the US were represented.

I got up early to take April to the airport, and her luggage was so unbelievably heavy it took us forever to get to the tube. But I think adrenaline kicks in when you're trying to just get home, and I know that will happen when I leave today. I went to an amazing Bible study and took them as much stuff as I could carry from the apartment. Then I went to school to print out my papers to turn in. After that I was so exhausted I took a long nap, then spent the rest of the evening making really good veggie stir fry and packing. I slept in this morning, and finished packing and cleaning, now I'm waiting for Kik to get here so we can leave. I'm sad, but just ready to be home now. The only part of this day I'm looking forward to are the movies on the plane, because I miss movies so much. I watched Charlie Bartlett for a second time last night while I was packing.

Praise God for He has made this an amazing trip. He has changed me in so many ways I can't even describe, and I'm praying that I don't go back to how I was before I left. I don't think I will, because I've been here for so long. Sometimes you change a little when you're gone for a week or so, but I've lived here for almost 3 months, and I know I'm not the same. I'm more joyful, and much closer to my creator. I have peace finally, after a very long two or three years of it missing.

I'm so excited to get home, and I love that because I missed everything so much, I won't take the mundane for granted ever again. I can't wait to see my friends and in a few days my family. I can't wait for the heat and the sunshine. For Alex to get home and Jennie to get married. For all the cooking and crafts Dustin and I will do, and the burritos and adventures I'll have with Casey. I can't wait to sit on Kelly's bed and talk about life like we've done since the 9th grade. And most of all, I will have them all over to lay by the pool and drink strawberry lemonade with me. Praise God :)

Day 16. Almost done.

Today was my second to last day at work, and it made me so sad that I'm leaving! I went in at 10:30, and got sent straight back to DGS to drop off a pattern to the Greek sample maker named Chris. He told me I always look different, and told me to sit down in his office while he looked at the pattern. Then he proceeded to ask me how I like what I'm doing, and then gave me some advice about the industry. He told me fashion design is all about flair. He said to take a fashion illustration class, and to never lose my flair, as well as to go shopping all the time and get ideas to improve on. After that he told me a long story about a lady friend he knows in Texas, and how he might visit. Then he gave me his card and told me to keep in touch in case I need work in the future. I was so happy when I left there, because I feel like it was a great networking opportunity.

When I got back to the shop, Julia set me to ironing a big pile of t-shirts for the Vintage festival she's showing at this weekend while she ran some errands and got lunch for us. It was fun work, I don't mind ironing. And the radio was on, which I still thoroughly enjoy because of the novelty of being in England. I went upstairs and watched the store when I was gone, and traded music on Julia's computer. I love sharing that part of my culture with her, and gaining the same experience through music she loves as well.

Julia came back with vegan lunches from Beetroot, and they were amazing!!!! There was all sorts of fun stir fry and tofu and mint seasoned quinoa. It was really filling, and we had a nice long talk about getting into the business, mistakes she made when she started, and other life things. I really am sad that I am leaving, because I feel so at home there. She's sad I'm leaving too, because everything just kind of worked out really well with us working together. It's so strange to think that tomorrow is my last day. But after we finished lunch, she sent me to Shepherds bush with two dresses to match fabric for. One was the creme cocktail dress, but she wanted the same fabric in black, and then there was another black dress to match and lining as well. I think it's funny when she can't remember where she bought it, but it works because then I can go to the places that will give me a good deal. I was able to find all three for relatively cheap, and in record time. So with that, I said my final goodbye to Shepherds Bush, and went home for the day.