Free car washes and some Buffalo Exchanges

The first weekend of the year has been eventful as of now. Bobby B's fiesta was a bust, so instead Jaime, Nat and I took the hall to Santana's for food and some good jukebox music. Then we overdosed on sugar and watched 27 dresses. Quite a good movie, especially with the lines, "I'm your sister." "That was yesterday. Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress."

Jaime and I ran around today in PB and La Jolla until we found a coffeshop to do our homework in. We ended up in a random Japanese owned one with great chai and a customer who brought her really loud talking bird that stayed the whole time we did. Jaime sold some stuff back to Buffalo Exchange, and we ran around some more. Then the car wash happened. My father set a rule that I have to keep my car washed, and so when my family decided to come see me tonight, I had to do something. We went to a place on Sports Arena, and the thing quit halfway through. So I went in and they gave me the premium wash. Very exciting with cotton candy colored foam... It was my first time doing that myself, so I had a blast.

I realized that I have bad dreams almost every night now. Some nights are worse than others. Last night was particularly bad. I don't know why I've been given a wild dream imagination, but it's not always the best thing. I long for a peaceful night, free of anxiety and waking up every half hour. That time will come soon enough, I'm sure :)

I was able to look at pictures of you today.

It didn't bother me as much.

To be disconnected. But to keep things simple around others.

I wonder what it will be like

when I'm forced to put the pieces back together.

Will my dreams come true?

Will it all be magical?

Or is it just a false hope...

Adventures in RA'ing

First few days of school have been marvelous with my lovely ladies and good classes. I rode in an ambulance for the first time because of an emergency on my hall, and spent most of the night with my new friend Jake hanging out with a Jehovahs Witness delusional homeless man in a wheelchair, and watching Crocodile Dundee meets Los Angeles. Made it home around 5am singing Katy Perry and drinking orange Sobe, in time to get a whole two hours of sleep before my first marketing class. I woke up 30 minutes late, and ran to class without a pencil or paper. so i had to write everything in blue crayola marker. then i slept a lot that day :) I took some of my girls to dinner, then to the cliffs to watch the sunset and to see the tide pools, then we had our first small group.

Overall, it's been a pensive couple of days. My personal wellness class was about forgiveness and all around well-being. I'm really enjoying examining all the pieces of my life, seeing where I've been unhealthy spiritually and emotionally lately. Very fitting class for me right now.

Jaime and I got library cards at the local library, and I am reading a Thousand Splendid Suns. It's an amazing book that looks into the lives of woman in Afghanistan the past fifty years.

We went swimming in the ocean today, practicing for our surfing swim test next tuesday. I need to start doing a lot of push ups to get some arm strength, I'm weak as a baby. The sun was scorching, and I'm back at work now, enjoying the sound of the Sea World fireworks and eating watermelon. Though I really want to rinse the sand off, i didn't get a shower after the beach.

Do you have a name, or do you just go by "boyfriend"?

I'm feeling so calm about my job this year. Last night's adventure went far better than I ever could have expected, and my girls are wonderful with doing fun things. We dressed up in insane clothes and went to Figi Yogurt, then to Shelter Island to ring the Liberty Bell. After that we played this awesome name game and slid down a crazy slide at this bayside playground. We ended the night at Makeout Point, and soaked in the view of everyone's new home. The nerves are finally starting to subside, and I can't wait to see how this year goes.

Personal happiness has been difficult the past few days, a continual learning process of where to place my hope. I started to expect thoughtfulness and romance again from a place that has let me down consistently, hence causing a hint of depression. But then I realized that all I need to do when I feel alone is to go around my hall until I find girls feeling the same way, and to have fun with them. To talk, watch movies, go out, the sky is the limit. My life is worthwhile if i feed into others lives. If I love on them and encourage them, not ask things from others to make me happy. Life is about what you can give. Not about what you can receive.

I went to First Church with Jaime today, and the teaching was out of Joshua 24. The pastor talked about Achen and how the path we go on is our choice, and so are the consequences. If we choose to worship something other than God, the result is scarcity. Scarcity struck me as a strange word.

I still need to find a bunch of paper for a quote wall.. There were some good ones today. Jaime and I are also on the hunt for a traveling birthday gnome for all of the girls. Maybe Target garden department? We'll see.

Let's hear it for wanting to be an introvert when the opposite is required

I finally slept a decent amount last night and today, incurring partial relief to the fatigue and sore throat that has accumulated the past weeks.

I am thoroughly tired of being peppy and involved already, which is horrible because tonight is when my real job of getting to know my girls starts. I was reading Psalm 119 today, which happens a lot. It was great to remember that strength comes from God. That He will be for us when everything else falls apart.

I'm trying to stay in my new mode of being happy and independent, and after last night, I know I need to do that. Letting myself trust you again.. hurts. I can't do that yet. I thought I was okay, but there is a sickly and sallow part of me lurking just beneath the surface, threatening to drag me back down into the abyss I just crawled out of.

I am very excited to get to know everyone though, my girls are wonderful. I know this is going to be an amazing year :)

walking in a daze

I'm excited/scared/overwhelmed that my girls get here tomorrow. I wish I was more prepared. And that I knew all the right things to say, and right way to organize everyone.

I pray that this year will be amazing. That God will do huge things on my hall and in my dorm. That I will be a good RA, and present for whatever the girls need. That I will be able to balance everything in my life. That I will live hard, laugh often, and enjoy all the random things that can and will happen.

And so the journey begins, at 6:30 tomorrow morning...

I'm sorry. But in a leadership position, you can no longer participate in recreational nudity.

Yet another long day of RA stuff. Everyone learned the awkward balloon at dinner, which is basically holding up an imaginary balloon when there's awkward silence. Then you release it when the silence is over. Quite wonderful :)

I realized today that I haven't cried in a while. That I feel healthy again. If I avoid looking at old pictures, avoid thinking too much about us, everything is okay now. It hurt a bit to put up pictures on my wall today, having to turn half of them upside down and numb out the pain. I can't watch my favorite movie for a while. The music that plays during the menu screen would put me in a bad state.

Tonight's class about sexual harassment and hazing was priceless. I never thought about how crazy it is to work a job in a place like this.

It was also really cool today to feel so hungry to read my Bible. I'd left it in my car yesterday when I went to pick John up from the airport. Last night was wonderful. Time with my Dana and John. Bassam, polaroids, mint tea with honey, convertible top down. I am going to miss them soooo incredibly much, I can't believe they won't be a part of this semester here at school.

I miss Goog, who has been gone over a year now to Honduras.. All these amazing people seeing the world.

My lovely Jaime is moving in tomorrow, I'm so stoked!!! Unfortunately Target was sold out of absolutely everything I needed today, or else I'd have curtains up already. Seriously, every item I needed had been sold out. There was just a blank spot where they should have been. Frustrating...

The guy outside was trying to get me to sign a petition to legalize marijuana. Welcome to Southern California.

I just found out how to clean a part of my sewing machine. It basically exploded at me, so I had to put it back together. Apparently I should have been taking it apart to clean it a lot more often. Surely it just had enough of being dirty, so it let me know.

Good night world. Maybe somehow life will stop being insane long enough for me to reset. I highly doubt it. I'm soo not ready for classes.

That baby wouldn't have a name for three weeks.....

First off, props to Erin Bernhardt for her genius response to a pushy same sex petition person outside Target. When asked "Do you support same-sex marriage?" she replied "Um... I don't.. know.." Which stumped the guy. So he told her to keep thinking about it. Amazing.

I'm getting the same spider bites as last year already, and I've committed arachnid murder twice in the past two days. Nasty buggers.

I had a blast hanging out with Rach and Erin today at Costco and Ikea. And Starbucks. And Target. And the t-shirt store. So many places. It was quite exciting that we had $407.82 to pay for all the dorm snacks, and our total was $407.62.

There was a crazy obstacle course at the beach party tonight, great for skinned knees and elbows. Thankfully we got to leave early. Sewing by myself with tea and some Frank Sinatra was wonderfully relaxing. Not to mention I had a full view of the Pacific, which never grows old.

I read the passage in the Bible about bad company corrupting good habits. So true. Hit home quite deeply.

mm. New Superchick too. Love it. and Symphony bars.

the phrase "debrief" always makes me giggle..

I'm so braindead.

I woke up and read Proverbs 10 and 11. They answered all the questions of my troubled nights sleep.

I'm blessed to be with Dana and her wonderful family right now.

I'm tired of decorating.

I'm scared of what life has in store for me, but I'm excited at the same time.

Praise God.

He is good.

Taken? You mean the white Man on Fire?

I'm back from a few days in Tecate, Mexico, and what a trip it was. Several things really stuck out to me this weekend that I didn't expect, and God showed me some stuff that I really needed to see.

The first thing was freedom from the world I'm stuck in. Life has become so centered around electronic communication and forms of entertainment that we forget to enjoy life in the present with the people we're surrounded by. It was great to work alongside people I probably wouldn't have met otherwise, and to get to know them as more than just a face and a name. The slow life of Mexico was a shock to a lot of our busy lives, just learning how to be still and silent in the midst of chaos. The only music while we were down there was worship music in Spanish, my all time favorite. I've spent enough time down there to have developed a true love of listening to and singing worship songs in another language, because it's such a solid reminder of how big God is. He is the God of every tongue and every nation, and His name is praised in so many different ways outside of our modern church setting.

The second was examining loving and Godly relationships between a few married couples that were on the trip. It blew my mind at how long it's been since I've seen that, and reminded me how much I desire that kind of relationship. With both people focused on God and completely happy and at ease with life and one another.. everything was so peaceful. It made me glad to have the space to think about how my life has not lined up with that, about where I went wrong. I think I came to a few conclusions, and I'm so glad I've given everything back to God and stopped trying to have a relationship my way instead of His. It's so freeing. I'm set on praying everyday that God would allow me to grow into a woman of God who is worthy of a relationship like that. And that He would not allow me to be with anyone short of someone who wants the same.

It's nice to have a day of rest before jumping into the grind again. And amazing to be clean and showered :) I'm excited to work with all the wonderful women on my team, even when we're tired and fed up with everything.

Brewery is a really hard word to say.

Today was a bit more like my time at home than the last few days. I see that I have this weird penchant to be a control freak instead of just letting things happen and enjoying the good in them.

I slept in a bit, then went by myself to Red's coffee shop to read my bible. That was an interesting place. I've always wanted to go there, and I ordered a chai tea latte and a breakfast sandwich. Latte: Nasty. Sandwich: very good. The atmosphere was really fun, so I'd recommend it for a light meal and a regular cup of coffee. Save any other drink for Starbucks or the Living Room. Dana came and took me to Blick later, my favorite Little Italy buddy. We had a ball down there (besides the fact they wouldn't let me purchase my canvas with another person's card.) We took a trip to OB to see her brother and talked about art and music with him and his roommate. (Dawson..? Neither of us could remember his name, so Dana said he looks like a Dawson.)

I finished all my crazy shopping later. And then RA works started. Yay for drawn out dinners and tedious work. Adam and James came to kidnap me for a skateboarding trip. Right before, I found my friend bleeding from both knees in the bathroom, so I got to play nurse and doctor her up. The skate park was amazing, dark and closed down. I alternated between riding my crappy WalMart board and looking at the stars. Now I'm eating my greasy delicious chicken flautas before I finish packing for Mexico tomorrow. I'm so excited! It's been far too long since my last trip down there. I'm stoked for some good bonding time with everyone :)

I wish I didn't miss you.

I wish things had gone differently.

I wish I could take a million things back.

Ah!!!!!!! There's another giant spider in my room!

Today I woke up to a mexican window washer banging on my window at the crack of dawn. So I told Jaime to come over and hang out with me. We moved some stuff in to our room and got coffee and tea in OB. As we walked over to the beach and watched the waves, an opportunity for my story and struggles to help another situation arose. It's so amazing to look back and see how God has used all your stupidity to teach you a lesson that can encourage others. I am SO excited to have Jaime as my roommate this year.

On a bittersweet note, Liz is not going to be on my hall, so I'm quite sad. But she'll get to do RA things with me, so that's good :) Life changes so quickly, especially here. Patience and flexibility are traits I've struggled with recently are continually tested and strengthened through school/work/people I'm around.

I was reading somewhere in 1 Corinthians today about how everything God's law asks of us is fulfilled by us just loving each other. Instead of checking off a list of things to do so every part of our lives follow the rules, we just have to love. And that's all. It made me quite happy to have a cure-all to pray for, considering there's a lot of things I want to change about myself. I just want to love, in every part of my life.

Tonight Adam and I went to Ikea to get dorm decorating stuff, and spent a small fortune. Thankfully I had an extra pair of hands, because that was a lot of work. I've been saving Liz from giant spiders that have taken over her dorm, and finally figured out the rest of the hall decor. I'm not going to stress about it anymore, because I keep forgetting we have two weeks until school starts.

So now it's time to relax with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. And Liz.

headache? check.

Who knew a day could fly by so quickly? I woke up this morning feeling like throwing up because of what was said last night, followed by going back to sleep and having insane dreams. But God is a good God, one of healing and forgiveness. I listened to a sermon on Jacob today, and spent some time in Psalms 136. Both very encouraging. I want to have the strength to forgive and love like Jacob.

Natalie and Adam hung out with me today, which was just what I needed. I was a bit afraid Adam was going to cut off a limb with the tiny hacksaw I bought for decorating, but he's still intact. Home Depot is also the most confusing store ever. The quickest way to get out is to ask where every item is on your list individually, trying to ask a different employee for each one. Two trips today was more than enough to last for a while, though that's not likely.

It really sucks having every bad thing you've done in a while be brought to your attention. To realize you have single handedly ruined something that should have been amazing and beautiful. Hopefully everything got out in the open today, I deserved it all. Maybe now healing can truly begin. Everyday shows me more how destructive walking apart from God for the past year has been. I love that I actually can hear God again. That I can absorb a sermon and apply it without fear of giving parts of my life up to God. God has to take every part of me, because I just screw everything up; last year, case in point.

I feel so overwhelmed with all the things that still need to be done in the dorm, but I'm going to be a good student and apply all the principles I learned in Management class. Delegate, delegate, delegate. But work can continue in the morning, it's creepy being the only one awake in the lower floors. I keep imagining weird people hiding in one of the many open rooms, and had to shut an emergency exit that had been propped open...

Time for sleep. Peaceful once again.

If life was a garden, sin is the army of slugs that kill your tomatoes

By God's grace, I'm back in San Diego well before I planned. After several weeks of watching everything I thought was real in my life disintegrate, I finally feel somewhat normal again. My wonderful friend Liz is living just down the hall, and my two best friends from home are also here in town, so yesterday turned out to be a joy instead of a disappointment. The lovely Dana Riley and I had a marvelous evening of sushi and chick flicks to start this new chapter of my life on a good note. Today was wonderful too, waking up at Dana's, then going to Starbucks with her and her mommy. Amazing people if I do say so myself. Then the overwhelming task of decorating the entirety of Nease hall started, and here I am back in the crazy busy life that I left behind three less than three short months ago.

Summer was hell, and I'm still in a lot of pain from it. I almost want to start a bowl of happiness rocks like in the book Stargirl. But I know that the amount would never be accurate, because my mood changes hour by hour. Life is messy, that is one thing we're guaranteed in this life. But yesterday and today have shown me that hope can come out of any situation. Life doesn't stop happening unless you let it, and I won't do that again.

And so with the ocean outside my window, close friends all around me, and walking with God by my side again, this new chapter of life is bound to bring happiness, fullness, and joy once again.