Eyes are so beautiful in the sunlight

Here's another eve of a Vegas New Year's Eve. So much has changed since the last, and I love the introspection that comes with reflecting on a year past. It was probably the worst year I can remember, so it's with prayer and hope that the new year is welcomed for me. I've learned so much about myself, about God, about life... never thought I'd end up where I am now. Every plan I had got flipped upside down, and confidence and peace has finally taken residence in the shattered remnants of the past. God broke my heart that was broken without my knowing. He broke it to reset it to grow back together in a healthy way; a way that loves Him and that brings me happiness and peace. I learned the keys to life are love and faith, without which everything falls apart.

I love the things that haven't changed too. Like having friends that are friends no matter what. I am so blessed that every time I come home I know that there are people I will feel warm and safe with. Also, having a family that is crazy, but so special. Knowing they'll make me smile, laugh, annoyed, and frustrated, but above all else, loved.

God and Time heal all things. I am so surprised and blessed at the capacity I have to love again, when I never thought I could. Surprised and blessed that God would bring someone amazing and special into my life, whom I feel like I've known forever and a day. To know a person other than my Grandpa and God sees me as a princess.. it's far more than I deserve.

I'm working on a dress for a party tomorrow night, thankfully I have an excuse to make something on a deadline. Kelly and I are getting tattoos on Friday!!!! So exciting. I've been listening to new Flyleaf, and it's so incredible. This break has already flown by, and I feel like I haven't done very much yet. It took a whole week to feel at home again, but now that I do, I'm excited to move back home for the summer. Haven't broken any bones... still have all my teeth.. life is good. I've lost my ability to stay up the whole night without being super tired, so unfortunate.

Here's to 2010 being really great.

With a making smile, he placed one hand upon my shoulder

The past few weeks have been some of the craziest ever. My lovely Dana Beth returned home early from Europe, and it has been such a blessing having her home. I've been trying to keep my planner straight, because it's completely filled up until I head home next weekend. Amidst all the Christmas parties, insane coastal storms, and school work, life is never boring.

A few weeks ago I also dared to let go of my life, and gave it completely to God, trusting that He had a plan for me. After months of struggling emotionally and relationally, I just gave up after reading in Romans about having faith like Abraham. It gave me tremendous peace reading that, and then my life began to change.

It's been hard surrendering completely, because I had hung on by my fingertips to my plan for so long. I don't want to cause pain to anyone, and it's a bit scary still. But I have peace about it all, and I'm excited to see where life leads :)

Green Eyes Don't Lie

Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas for Thanksgiving, for the first time in a long time.

Hopefully the swine leaves my body soon.

Being single is growing on me, maybe it's just how I'm meant to be. I think I'm okay with that.

Reading Anna Karenin again. Tolstoy, you were a genius. And you still are because you live on through your stories. Not sure why I love Russian literature so much.. but I do. Masterful weavers of intricate plot lines, those writers are.

Praise God for all the wonderful people He has placed in my life. For a plan that is being revealed little by little. I trust it everything will work out, so I can be like the old people I watched eat their quiet sunny picnic at Shelter the other day. How I envied them for having seen what their plans were. For being at the end of the journey, hopefully full of joy, not regrets. Though I rejoice I still have that journey to make. I want to make it a good one :)

We've resorted to punching them in the face. We'll be getting into trouble soon.

Taking a trip down memory lane.. what times they were.

There's a lurch in my stomach when I see how things were, without the courage to really try to remember what it was like.

Oh how things have changed.

Hm. update on life?

Surf class is over, resulting in quite a bit more free time. I have yet to do free museum tuesdays. Maybe tomorrow.

Classes are killing me. I want to be done with this semester.

November is going to be an amazing month. The Used. Attack Attack. BTF. New Moon. Going home for Thanksgiving. It's going to be great.

Pain is still receding. But the journey is going well.

Struggling to stay close to God, but trying.

Still needing to change a few things about my attitude and thoughts that doesn't line up with what God wants from me.

I miss my amazing friends that I haven't seen for months, or more.

I'm itching to go on a good roadtrip.

I miss security. And I have my doubts it can exist in people.

I got amazingly comfy sweatpants that make me very happy when I wear them.

I love, I hurt, I cry, I hope, and when it's all said and done, I wouldn't trade my life for anything different.

beauty in the breakdown

Garden State. Always a favorite movie, and now my favorite ending..

- What are you doing? - Remember that idea I had about working stuff out on my own... 
- and then finding you once I figured stuff out? - The ellipsis? 
Yeah. The ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. 
And I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it. 
This is life... 
and I'm in love with you, Samantha. 
I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life. 
I'm really messed up now, and I got a lot of stuff I gotta work out. 
But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, okay? 
- Yeah. - And I think I can do this! I mean, I want to. 
- We have to, right? - Yeah! 
- Right? - Yes! 
So what do we do? 
What do we do?

You smell like a sweet July morning

It's officially fall weather in Point Loma, cold breeze and all. It's a lovely 60 degrees, and everyone is wandering around shivering and bundled in layers of warm weather clothing. I loved the ringing in of the season with a Rudolph vinyl to dupe everyone into thinking it's Christmas time. This, along with a classic cold, make me quite happy for this time of year.

This last weekend was really awful, but really wonderful at the same time. Friday started out as an amazing random day with the roomie, going to shady car repair places and going to get free samples at every possible place in Pacific Beach. We saw No Impact Man at an old fashioned movie theater in Hillcrest, and it made me think in depth about how my lifestyle aligns with God's call on my life to stewardship of His creation. We also went to an intense modern art exhibit in the middle of a forest at UCSD. All of these things kept me blessedly focused on something other than the phone call I got at the end of the movie that my Grandma finally passed away, after a short and brutal fight with breast cancer.

I was very close with my Grandma, and I have been for my entire life. We had so many wonderful sleepovers, road trips, and late night story telling sessions over the years, it was like having a friend my age to talk to. Going to her house for Thanksgiving every year is really the only tradition my family has consistently, so not going this year will be hard. Thankfully I was surrounded by amazing friends who truly cared about me, making sure they kept me busy all weekend, and were there to listen when I needed to talk and cry and vent.

I went downtown with my amazing hall to eat Indian food, and we watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (funny, yet slightly disgusting).I played soccer with the youth group, and can barely move today. I helped my friend John sew an awesome vest and talked with Ashton for a long time while we dealt with the ridiculous airport traffic picking up Adam. It turned into a joyous weekend, and I finally told my parents about the reality of my current relationships, which feels so freeing. God is faithful to not give me more than I can handle, even though I don't think I could have been able to on my own. But He has blessed me with amazing friends who walk alongside me to encourage me, and to affirm that I am worthwhile and loved.

Another Monday is over. I'm sure this week will fly by like the rest have, and hopefully this cold disappears soon :) And speaking of which, I just stole on of Jaime's Trader Joe vitamin C tablet things. So yummy.

I'm praying that all my friends abroad stay safe and have amazing times the rest of the semester, I can't believe it's almost halfway over already. I'm trying to look forward instead of back in some parts of my life, even though looking back is more pleasant than the present. I never thought my life would look like this if you'd asked me a year ago. Never say never, and expect change to happen. I think God loves to shake us up. We're like His tiny snowglobes that He shakes whenever the snow settles to the bottom. Deep down I knew I wanted more from my life than how I was living it, and now I can see that clearly. I hated the process, and I still do. But yet the result is freedom and fullness like I haven't experienced in so long. Thank goodness God is in charge of planning my life, because I'm not smart or creative enough to know what's the best for me. He goes above and beyond what I can do on my own.

Hope all is well with everyone :)

slam.

here I am

strung out on some weak caffeine

letting the high lift me up to the

place my happy memories

reside.

this

happiness emanates a peace

so serene

that the sallow sickly part of me

crawls back into hiding.

relaxing I descend

into that old me

the me who is happy

the me who is free

longing

for nothing more

than the sun on hair

the wind in my face

the sounds

of autumn

though as the high fades

my projected consciousness

returns to

the present

leaving me longing

for my next trip

back

still a scavenger, picking up the pieces left from the explosion..

I'm ready to go on the Youth Staff retreat this weekend :) Two tests down, and some sleepless nights later, this week is already over. So quickly.

I found the OC season one online.. and I've been procrastinating sooo much because I love it :)

I'm sure God is going to show me some amazing things this weekend, we'll see what those things are. I got called optimistic today, which made me quite happy. I'm still salvaging the pieces of myself that have been lost, however I'm becoming more complete every day.

Jaime and I had a fun adventure yesterday. Dug in the dirt for my science class experiment, met some new people, called a tow truck. It was great.

Fire alarm should be pulled any minute now... but there's ice cream afterwards :) yummy.

Eloisa to Abelard

I was going to start this last night because I was so inspired, but it was too late for that to be justified. On a whim I decided to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again, a movie I haven't watched since high school. Something about my current circumstance probably spurred me into this. Anyways, epic movie. If you haven't seen it, here's the gist:

Two people named Joel and Clementine meet at a party and fall in love. (This is sort of not the way it goes, because the movie starts at the end and skips around a lot.) So Joel is quiet, Clementine quirky, and their relationship is full of crazy fun moments, and love abundant. But somewhere along the line, things start to become mundane. They start fighting, and picking out all the things they don't like about each other. They become "one of those boring couples you feel sorry for at restaurants." And one night, after angry words are said, Clementine leaves Joel, and decides to erase him from her memory. Yes. There is a doctors office that erases painful memories.

When Joel finds out what she's done, he's heartbroken, and asks to have the same procedure done to himself. He brings everything that reminds him even slightly of Clementine to the doctor, and they trace his memories of her from the most recent, back until the day they meet.

That night, as the procedure begins, Joel starts to see back into the days when love was prevalent over anger, back into the memories he treasures with Clementine. As she starts to disappear, he realizes that his love for her goes deeper than anything that could bother him about her, that his life is complete with her. In a sense, he falls in love with her all over again, and wants to stop getting erased. In the end, when he knows he's about to lose the memory of her forever, he know that he wishes he could do things differently.

And they somehow find each other in the end, find out what happened. And even knowing that they'll come to find things about each other that they can't stand, they are still in love, and choose to accept that to be together.

I cried at the end, because of several things. One is that I've done that. I've been the one to lose sight of love and instead start focusing on all the bad things. Another is that I feel like it's inevitable in a way, because we're all imperfect human beings. We're bound to find things in our significant others that we don't like. So what do we do with that? I love how this is addressed in the movie, because I think that is what true love is. The kind of love that doesn't end in divorce or heart break. It's getting the shock of finding out the person you love isn't going to always be what you want, but learning to just let the good overcome the bad. It's knowing that you'll always have those good things to fall back on, and maybe all we need is a little push down memory lane to get fresh perspective.

Despite how much they hurt each other, love overcame it all. Despite falling into a pattern of just going through the motions of life, they came out together and on top. The first time you see all of these things happen is the hardest. It's the big hurdle you have to get over to have a much easier time the rest of the race. I don't think I can do this without God's help, and I know I'll fail more than once more, but it's still a hopeful thought.

Hope is what I need right now, and I'm finding it little by little, in the oddest places. Like watching that movie. I feel like things are moving forward, looking up, getting better. I just need a lot of wisdom and a fair amount of patience. But I know I can love again, and that things can get better. There's always hope, and nothing is too big for God. Nothing at all.

"Hair Jaime. You know hair is the most important thing to me."

In 2 Corinthians, where it talks about the fruit of the Spirit, the one that I never really thought about was faithfulness. Until this morning. Why is it you only really notice things like that when you mess them up so badly? So when I started to think about what that means, I realized that relationships with both God and people apply directly to faithfulness. God cares and loves me even when I don't feel Him, when He is silent. I know He's still there and that He is with me. Do I get distracted by other things that lead me to act otherwise? Unfortunately, yes. And I do the same with people. I want to have that faithful heart, that does not waver when I can't feel the love or presence of God. I want to do the same in my relationships, even when I feel wronged or hurt. I know I'd ask that of the people I love, to continue to remember that I care, even when I make mistakes and don't seem like I do.

My prayer is to get through a week without hurting someone I care about. I just read the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and the character I relate to the most is Carmen. The one who laments her fiery attitude and lack of control over her tongue. It's an unpleasant mirror to look into. I would recommend this book though, because it's amazing. I'm on to the second one right now, and it's great.

At six flags the other night, one of my favorite rides was the swings. There were only four of us one it, so it felt very peaceful, and fairylike. With my feet swinging in the air high above the ground, I was thinking about my fairytale. The one I want. Wanting to have true love, and not knowing what that feels like feels like a hard thing at the time. But far worse is having true love, and watching it go awry. I notice the things in couples now that they probably don't even think about. How they stand close to each other. How he looks at her like he's the luckiest person in the world to be holding her hand. So effortless. Half of me thinks it's amazing, while the other half of me wants to go ask them if it's real. If they can really make that last forever, because love is not as easy as it seems. I have faith that will happen for me. Sometime.

See Sabs. I really was right freshman year ;) I'm right back to where I started.

Pedro and His Talking Pinata Talk Sacrifice...

I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can’t remember
Do you remember?

I can see, I can still find
you’re the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can’t hear you now,

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cuz after loving you
I can never be the same

And how can I pretend to never
know you like it was all a dream? No
I know I’ll never forget the way I always felt
with you beside me, and how you loved me then, yeah

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cuz after loving you
I can never be the same

You led me here, then I watched you disappear
You left this emptiness inside and I can’t turn back time

No! Stay! Nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
I can’t let you go
can’t let you go
I can’t let go

I can never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you,
No

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cuz after loving you
I can never be the same

Visiting a place called South Park

First off, I find it amazing that we have a part of town called South Park. I'm rather upset I didn't know about this sooner. I'm sitting in Rebecca's coffee shop drinking some Moroccan Mint tea and enjoying the cushy couch and relaxed atmosphere. I'd recommend it if you want some local art, a variety of choices as to where you sit, and free wifi.

Today has been a fun and tiring day. I went for a run and listened to a sermon that really hit home. Part of it was about how, in the face to speaking up for God, we sometimes get scared and shrink away. I realized that I do that a lot, and in other areas of my life as well. Take surf class on Thursday for example. It was a horrible day with way too much wind and getting thrashed by the white wash on the way out. After forty five minutes of getting completely beat up and having my bathing suit decide not to stay on, I got out to regroup. But instead of going back out to finish the class, I ended up sitting on the beach with a friend, then leaving early, and I felt terrible after. I knew I should have sucked it up and stayed out for the whole class, so I felt like a coward and a wimp the whole day after. How much more fulfilled I would have been if I'd just had the patience and courage to stay longer.

The same goes for my relationship with God. If I back down from an opportunity I have to tell someone about Him, or to give Him glory just because I'm uncomfortable, I get the same ashamed, wimpy feeling. I know that I should take the leap and step out of my comfort zone, because I will feel proud of the result. Hopefully this realization will lead to a change in my life, because I don't want to live in fear or in a way that doesn't glorify my master and maker.

Life to come is so exciting! Next weekend one of my best friends is coming to visit, and I'm going with the Youth Group to Magic Mountain. God is faithful and good, and I keep learning new things and getting the opportunity to practice them. Life is so much easier to deal with when you know the hard or annoying times really are good practice of being who God wants me to be.

up down and all around crazy love

The year is in full swing at last, with my planner full and each day scheduled weeks in advance. But I am so at peace this year, without the stress and grind that characterized my last school year. I'm super excited because I'm starting as a youth leader for the high school youth group at First Church. Ministry is a piece of my life that has been sorely lacking the past two years, and I've felt the gradual decline of my soul as it's purpose has gone by the wayside. The kids are wonderful, and I feel like I have so much more to live for now.

I'm reading Crazy Love right now, and it's playing right into these transitions in my life. I'm meeting people who are on the same mission to live simply, wholly devoted to serving God in every way and part of life. I feel pangs of regret for every person I've encountered over the past two years that I didn't share God's love with. That I didn't invite to join my church community and to experience a way to show love for others. And in that, I'm praying for a second chance. That maybe by some miracle I'll run into them again. I know a few people who were hit hard by the chapter in the book on lukewarm Christians, and I am now one of them. It's a heavy blow to the heart and mind to realize that I've been living so selfishly and for myself, stuck in my own little world not wanting to acknowledge God's much bigger plan.

God's timing is perfect. He knows when things need to happen for us to be most fulfilled, and to be ready for them. Taking His advice also works out for the best. I've struggled with loving others who don't love me back, and the Bible commands us to do that. So in an effort to follow that command, it's amazing how much fulfillment there is. I can be fulfilled completely by serving God, no matter what the circumstance, or the people involved. So amazing.

I'm so excited about life now, with my amazing girls on the hall, and my wonderful roommate. We've already had so many adventures, and I can't wait for all the others that will come :)

Free car washes and some Buffalo Exchanges

The first weekend of the year has been eventful as of now. Bobby B's fiesta was a bust, so instead Jaime, Nat and I took the hall to Santana's for food and some good jukebox music. Then we overdosed on sugar and watched 27 dresses. Quite a good movie, especially with the lines, "I'm your sister." "That was yesterday. Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress."

Jaime and I ran around today in PB and La Jolla until we found a coffeshop to do our homework in. We ended up in a random Japanese owned one with great chai and a customer who brought her really loud talking bird that stayed the whole time we did. Jaime sold some stuff back to Buffalo Exchange, and we ran around some more. Then the car wash happened. My father set a rule that I have to keep my car washed, and so when my family decided to come see me tonight, I had to do something. We went to a place on Sports Arena, and the thing quit halfway through. So I went in and they gave me the premium wash. Very exciting with cotton candy colored foam... It was my first time doing that myself, so I had a blast.

I realized that I have bad dreams almost every night now. Some nights are worse than others. Last night was particularly bad. I don't know why I've been given a wild dream imagination, but it's not always the best thing. I long for a peaceful night, free of anxiety and waking up every half hour. That time will come soon enough, I'm sure :)

I was able to look at pictures of you today.

It didn't bother me as much.

To be disconnected. But to keep things simple around others.

I wonder what it will be like

when I'm forced to put the pieces back together.

Will my dreams come true?

Will it all be magical?

Or is it just a false hope...

Adventures in RA'ing

First few days of school have been marvelous with my lovely ladies and good classes. I rode in an ambulance for the first time because of an emergency on my hall, and spent most of the night with my new friend Jake hanging out with a Jehovahs Witness delusional homeless man in a wheelchair, and watching Crocodile Dundee meets Los Angeles. Made it home around 5am singing Katy Perry and drinking orange Sobe, in time to get a whole two hours of sleep before my first marketing class. I woke up 30 minutes late, and ran to class without a pencil or paper. so i had to write everything in blue crayola marker. then i slept a lot that day :) I took some of my girls to dinner, then to the cliffs to watch the sunset and to see the tide pools, then we had our first small group.

Overall, it's been a pensive couple of days. My personal wellness class was about forgiveness and all around well-being. I'm really enjoying examining all the pieces of my life, seeing where I've been unhealthy spiritually and emotionally lately. Very fitting class for me right now.

Jaime and I got library cards at the local library, and I am reading a Thousand Splendid Suns. It's an amazing book that looks into the lives of woman in Afghanistan the past fifty years.

We went swimming in the ocean today, practicing for our surfing swim test next tuesday. I need to start doing a lot of push ups to get some arm strength, I'm weak as a baby. The sun was scorching, and I'm back at work now, enjoying the sound of the Sea World fireworks and eating watermelon. Though I really want to rinse the sand off, i didn't get a shower after the beach.

Do you have a name, or do you just go by "boyfriend"?

I'm feeling so calm about my job this year. Last night's adventure went far better than I ever could have expected, and my girls are wonderful with doing fun things. We dressed up in insane clothes and went to Figi Yogurt, then to Shelter Island to ring the Liberty Bell. After that we played this awesome name game and slid down a crazy slide at this bayside playground. We ended the night at Makeout Point, and soaked in the view of everyone's new home. The nerves are finally starting to subside, and I can't wait to see how this year goes.

Personal happiness has been difficult the past few days, a continual learning process of where to place my hope. I started to expect thoughtfulness and romance again from a place that has let me down consistently, hence causing a hint of depression. But then I realized that all I need to do when I feel alone is to go around my hall until I find girls feeling the same way, and to have fun with them. To talk, watch movies, go out, the sky is the limit. My life is worthwhile if i feed into others lives. If I love on them and encourage them, not ask things from others to make me happy. Life is about what you can give. Not about what you can receive.

I went to First Church with Jaime today, and the teaching was out of Joshua 24. The pastor talked about Achen and how the path we go on is our choice, and so are the consequences. If we choose to worship something other than God, the result is scarcity. Scarcity struck me as a strange word.

I still need to find a bunch of paper for a quote wall.. There were some good ones today. Jaime and I are also on the hunt for a traveling birthday gnome for all of the girls. Maybe Target garden department? We'll see.

Let's hear it for wanting to be an introvert when the opposite is required

I finally slept a decent amount last night and today, incurring partial relief to the fatigue and sore throat that has accumulated the past weeks.

I am thoroughly tired of being peppy and involved already, which is horrible because tonight is when my real job of getting to know my girls starts. I was reading Psalm 119 today, which happens a lot. It was great to remember that strength comes from God. That He will be for us when everything else falls apart.

I'm trying to stay in my new mode of being happy and independent, and after last night, I know I need to do that. Letting myself trust you again.. hurts. I can't do that yet. I thought I was okay, but there is a sickly and sallow part of me lurking just beneath the surface, threatening to drag me back down into the abyss I just crawled out of.

I am very excited to get to know everyone though, my girls are wonderful. I know this is going to be an amazing year :)

walking in a daze

I'm excited/scared/overwhelmed that my girls get here tomorrow. I wish I was more prepared. And that I knew all the right things to say, and right way to organize everyone.

I pray that this year will be amazing. That God will do huge things on my hall and in my dorm. That I will be a good RA, and present for whatever the girls need. That I will be able to balance everything in my life. That I will live hard, laugh often, and enjoy all the random things that can and will happen.

And so the journey begins, at 6:30 tomorrow morning...

I'm sorry. But in a leadership position, you can no longer participate in recreational nudity.

Yet another long day of RA stuff. Everyone learned the awkward balloon at dinner, which is basically holding up an imaginary balloon when there's awkward silence. Then you release it when the silence is over. Quite wonderful :)

I realized today that I haven't cried in a while. That I feel healthy again. If I avoid looking at old pictures, avoid thinking too much about us, everything is okay now. It hurt a bit to put up pictures on my wall today, having to turn half of them upside down and numb out the pain. I can't watch my favorite movie for a while. The music that plays during the menu screen would put me in a bad state.

Tonight's class about sexual harassment and hazing was priceless. I never thought about how crazy it is to work a job in a place like this.

It was also really cool today to feel so hungry to read my Bible. I'd left it in my car yesterday when I went to pick John up from the airport. Last night was wonderful. Time with my Dana and John. Bassam, polaroids, mint tea with honey, convertible top down. I am going to miss them soooo incredibly much, I can't believe they won't be a part of this semester here at school.

I miss Goog, who has been gone over a year now to Honduras.. All these amazing people seeing the world.

My lovely Jaime is moving in tomorrow, I'm so stoked!!! Unfortunately Target was sold out of absolutely everything I needed today, or else I'd have curtains up already. Seriously, every item I needed had been sold out. There was just a blank spot where they should have been. Frustrating...

The guy outside was trying to get me to sign a petition to legalize marijuana. Welcome to Southern California.

I just found out how to clean a part of my sewing machine. It basically exploded at me, so I had to put it back together. Apparently I should have been taking it apart to clean it a lot more often. Surely it just had enough of being dirty, so it let me know.

Good night world. Maybe somehow life will stop being insane long enough for me to reset. I highly doubt it. I'm soo not ready for classes.

That baby wouldn't have a name for three weeks.....

First off, props to Erin Bernhardt for her genius response to a pushy same sex petition person outside Target. When asked "Do you support same-sex marriage?" she replied "Um... I don't.. know.." Which stumped the guy. So he told her to keep thinking about it. Amazing.

I'm getting the same spider bites as last year already, and I've committed arachnid murder twice in the past two days. Nasty buggers.

I had a blast hanging out with Rach and Erin today at Costco and Ikea. And Starbucks. And Target. And the t-shirt store. So many places. It was quite exciting that we had $407.82 to pay for all the dorm snacks, and our total was $407.62.

There was a crazy obstacle course at the beach party tonight, great for skinned knees and elbows. Thankfully we got to leave early. Sewing by myself with tea and some Frank Sinatra was wonderfully relaxing. Not to mention I had a full view of the Pacific, which never grows old.

I read the passage in the Bible about bad company corrupting good habits. So true. Hit home quite deeply.

mm. New Superchick too. Love it. and Symphony bars.

the phrase "debrief" always makes me giggle..

I'm so braindead.

I woke up and read Proverbs 10 and 11. They answered all the questions of my troubled nights sleep.

I'm blessed to be with Dana and her wonderful family right now.

I'm tired of decorating.

I'm scared of what life has in store for me, but I'm excited at the same time.

Praise God.

He is good.

Taken? You mean the white Man on Fire?

I'm back from a few days in Tecate, Mexico, and what a trip it was. Several things really stuck out to me this weekend that I didn't expect, and God showed me some stuff that I really needed to see.

The first thing was freedom from the world I'm stuck in. Life has become so centered around electronic communication and forms of entertainment that we forget to enjoy life in the present with the people we're surrounded by. It was great to work alongside people I probably wouldn't have met otherwise, and to get to know them as more than just a face and a name. The slow life of Mexico was a shock to a lot of our busy lives, just learning how to be still and silent in the midst of chaos. The only music while we were down there was worship music in Spanish, my all time favorite. I've spent enough time down there to have developed a true love of listening to and singing worship songs in another language, because it's such a solid reminder of how big God is. He is the God of every tongue and every nation, and His name is praised in so many different ways outside of our modern church setting.

The second was examining loving and Godly relationships between a few married couples that were on the trip. It blew my mind at how long it's been since I've seen that, and reminded me how much I desire that kind of relationship. With both people focused on God and completely happy and at ease with life and one another.. everything was so peaceful. It made me glad to have the space to think about how my life has not lined up with that, about where I went wrong. I think I came to a few conclusions, and I'm so glad I've given everything back to God and stopped trying to have a relationship my way instead of His. It's so freeing. I'm set on praying everyday that God would allow me to grow into a woman of God who is worthy of a relationship like that. And that He would not allow me to be with anyone short of someone who wants the same.

It's nice to have a day of rest before jumping into the grind again. And amazing to be clean and showered :) I'm excited to work with all the wonderful women on my team, even when we're tired and fed up with everything.

Brewery is a really hard word to say.

Today was a bit more like my time at home than the last few days. I see that I have this weird penchant to be a control freak instead of just letting things happen and enjoying the good in them.

I slept in a bit, then went by myself to Red's coffee shop to read my bible. That was an interesting place. I've always wanted to go there, and I ordered a chai tea latte and a breakfast sandwich. Latte: Nasty. Sandwich: very good. The atmosphere was really fun, so I'd recommend it for a light meal and a regular cup of coffee. Save any other drink for Starbucks or the Living Room. Dana came and took me to Blick later, my favorite Little Italy buddy. We had a ball down there (besides the fact they wouldn't let me purchase my canvas with another person's card.) We took a trip to OB to see her brother and talked about art and music with him and his roommate. (Dawson..? Neither of us could remember his name, so Dana said he looks like a Dawson.)

I finished all my crazy shopping later. And then RA works started. Yay for drawn out dinners and tedious work. Adam and James came to kidnap me for a skateboarding trip. Right before, I found my friend bleeding from both knees in the bathroom, so I got to play nurse and doctor her up. The skate park was amazing, dark and closed down. I alternated between riding my crappy WalMart board and looking at the stars. Now I'm eating my greasy delicious chicken flautas before I finish packing for Mexico tomorrow. I'm so excited! It's been far too long since my last trip down there. I'm stoked for some good bonding time with everyone :)

I wish I didn't miss you.

I wish things had gone differently.

I wish I could take a million things back.

Ah!!!!!!! There's another giant spider in my room!

Today I woke up to a mexican window washer banging on my window at the crack of dawn. So I told Jaime to come over and hang out with me. We moved some stuff in to our room and got coffee and tea in OB. As we walked over to the beach and watched the waves, an opportunity for my story and struggles to help another situation arose. It's so amazing to look back and see how God has used all your stupidity to teach you a lesson that can encourage others. I am SO excited to have Jaime as my roommate this year.

On a bittersweet note, Liz is not going to be on my hall, so I'm quite sad. But she'll get to do RA things with me, so that's good :) Life changes so quickly, especially here. Patience and flexibility are traits I've struggled with recently are continually tested and strengthened through school/work/people I'm around.

I was reading somewhere in 1 Corinthians today about how everything God's law asks of us is fulfilled by us just loving each other. Instead of checking off a list of things to do so every part of our lives follow the rules, we just have to love. And that's all. It made me quite happy to have a cure-all to pray for, considering there's a lot of things I want to change about myself. I just want to love, in every part of my life.

Tonight Adam and I went to Ikea to get dorm decorating stuff, and spent a small fortune. Thankfully I had an extra pair of hands, because that was a lot of work. I've been saving Liz from giant spiders that have taken over her dorm, and finally figured out the rest of the hall decor. I'm not going to stress about it anymore, because I keep forgetting we have two weeks until school starts.

So now it's time to relax with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. And Liz.

headache? check.

Who knew a day could fly by so quickly? I woke up this morning feeling like throwing up because of what was said last night, followed by going back to sleep and having insane dreams. But God is a good God, one of healing and forgiveness. I listened to a sermon on Jacob today, and spent some time in Psalms 136. Both very encouraging. I want to have the strength to forgive and love like Jacob.

Natalie and Adam hung out with me today, which was just what I needed. I was a bit afraid Adam was going to cut off a limb with the tiny hacksaw I bought for decorating, but he's still intact. Home Depot is also the most confusing store ever. The quickest way to get out is to ask where every item is on your list individually, trying to ask a different employee for each one. Two trips today was more than enough to last for a while, though that's not likely.

It really sucks having every bad thing you've done in a while be brought to your attention. To realize you have single handedly ruined something that should have been amazing and beautiful. Hopefully everything got out in the open today, I deserved it all. Maybe now healing can truly begin. Everyday shows me more how destructive walking apart from God for the past year has been. I love that I actually can hear God again. That I can absorb a sermon and apply it without fear of giving parts of my life up to God. God has to take every part of me, because I just screw everything up; last year, case in point.

I feel so overwhelmed with all the things that still need to be done in the dorm, but I'm going to be a good student and apply all the principles I learned in Management class. Delegate, delegate, delegate. But work can continue in the morning, it's creepy being the only one awake in the lower floors. I keep imagining weird people hiding in one of the many open rooms, and had to shut an emergency exit that had been propped open...

Time for sleep. Peaceful once again.

If life was a garden, sin is the army of slugs that kill your tomatoes

By God's grace, I'm back in San Diego well before I planned. After several weeks of watching everything I thought was real in my life disintegrate, I finally feel somewhat normal again. My wonderful friend Liz is living just down the hall, and my two best friends from home are also here in town, so yesterday turned out to be a joy instead of a disappointment. The lovely Dana Riley and I had a marvelous evening of sushi and chick flicks to start this new chapter of my life on a good note. Today was wonderful too, waking up at Dana's, then going to Starbucks with her and her mommy. Amazing people if I do say so myself. Then the overwhelming task of decorating the entirety of Nease hall started, and here I am back in the crazy busy life that I left behind three less than three short months ago.

Summer was hell, and I'm still in a lot of pain from it. I almost want to start a bowl of happiness rocks like in the book Stargirl. But I know that the amount would never be accurate, because my mood changes hour by hour. Life is messy, that is one thing we're guaranteed in this life. But yesterday and today have shown me that hope can come out of any situation. Life doesn't stop happening unless you let it, and I won't do that again.

And so with the ocean outside my window, close friends all around me, and walking with God by my side again, this new chapter of life is bound to bring happiness, fullness, and joy once again.

Hourglass

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

I've heard several good quotes this week.

When something like that is spoken, a new kind of clarity enters life, even in the midst of turmoil and change. Since coming home and even before, I have watched my life completely change seasons, and it hit me that a year or two ago I never would have foreseen life leading this way. For instance, my dad moving to a different state for a job. Or that my many years of accumulated memories that cover my bedroom walls and ceiling would be taken down prematurely so that my room can become a hospice. Realizing one of my best friends has spent almost an entire year in a foreign country with very little contact. That I would hug another friend goodbye before he enters a war somewhere far away.

So now I'm in the middle of purging my room of stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Me. The possession whore that I am. I even considered buying a dress and shoes today, which means cleaning amnesia has set in. I spent hours sifting through my overstuffed closet, and even that did not cure my shopping affinity. I'm going to Mexico soon. Not the nice tourist beach Mexico, but the third-world U.S. neighbor just miles south of our border. A healthy dose of seeing those who have a tiny fraction of my possessions being far happier than I am should put life in perspective.

Maybe then I'll start relaxing. Start enjoying the relationship in my life that has more potential than I can dream of. Maybe looking for things to be perfect will change to being thankful they aren't.